Welcome to the Motivation To Move Community Forums!
Well Hello!
If this is your first visit to the Motivation To Move Community Forums, Welcome! You are currently viewing our forums as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions. By joining our free community you will be able to post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), respond to polls, and more. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so join our community today!
Well, I figured that since I’ve been neglecting the other couple of sites I go to, I might as well have some form of journal over here. Let me start by saying that friends often call me “Mer” (pronounced Mare)… Mer in French is a pretty common word, meaning sea. (Sea food, ocean, etc.) Anyway, Jour d’Mer is the day of Mer, or the day of Sea. I don’t know. I’m just feeling wacky, and wanted to write something other than “Meredith’s Journal.” Jour d’Mer sounded much better.
So far 2007 is going pretty darn great. I had made a few resolutions, and I’m still excited about them. Yes, I do realize it’s only the 5th of January… But things are looking up in general. During the past few months, I have become increasingly depressed. I don’t know how others specifically feel about medication, but after my mom died rather suddenly almost 2 years ago, I went on some. About a month ago, I had it changed because I was feeling like I just couldn’t cope. I had a happy person somewhere inside of me, and it was hurting me even more to realize that. However, when I’d get home from work, I could do little but sit on the edge of my bed and cry. I WANTED to do more… I just felt so desparate and sad. I can’t really explain it. Things were bad. Real bad. But I’m bouncing back now, and am really glad for it. For once in my life things seem to be going pretty well. (knock on wood?)
One of my New Year’s Resolutions was to become a more positive person. That’s pretty vague, I know. But any progress in the direction of ‘more positive’ is certainly welcome in my life. I’ve also resolved to get right to the root of my emotional/mental problems. I’m planning to start seeing a psychologist again, and will stick with it. I also bought a book called “Your Depression Map” and have found it to be pretty helpful in finding out some of my triggers to being sad, overwhelmed, anxious, and so forth.
Another is a bit more weight loss. I lost 51 pounds in 2006 (gained one back over Christmas! so I ended the year at a 50 pound loss overall) and wouldn’t mind seeing another 15-30 pounds gone this year. However, now that my eating habits are better, and I actually LIKE exercise, I don’t think that I’ll have too much of a problem doing that. My self-esteem is pretty high after losing all that weight, that I’m pretty happy where I am right now. I’ve never been this light, except on the way up. And it was only this weight briefly!
So, I’ve found a few things that I can work on, and am hoping to get plans in action on how to succeed with them. Scott Smith’s story of his journey with his wife over the last half year has really made me look deep into my own loss. I am not sure if I hadn’t properly dealt with it or not. I’m not sure what really IS at the root of the depression. But I am determined to find out. And I think that’s a pretty big step.
Medication is a great thing, it has saved my marriage. I don’t have serious depression, just mild and it runs in my family. I used to be tired and cranky all the time. I was a happy kid and now I’m a happy adult. It was such a gradual change that I didn’t see it. Hope you find the cause of your depression. Your too wonderful a person to be buried under that.
I really love the title of your journal! It sounds so beautiful when I say it in my head.
As to medication ... if you were diabetic would you wonder if it was somehow not okay to take insulin? That’s how I feel about medication for depression. It’s just a chemical adjustment for a chemical imbalance. My sister started in on a low dose of Lexapro recently. She was never depressed before, but entering menopause caused her serotonin levels to plummet. She said it has made all the difference in the world for her. Like Bree said, it was a very gradual and almost imperceptible change, but once she started the Lexapro she said she felt like her old self again and what had felt overwhelming to her became something she could handle.
It sure sounds as though you’re moving in the right direction!
Thanks everyone for the replies. You can call me Mer, or Meredith ... I respond to both I have specificially not told people about the meds before because I’ve been worried about a reaction. But this site is quite different. And really, if I’m going to progress, I need to be honest with myself.
I’ve been extremely consistent with exercise over the last week (thank you Motivation to Move!) and am very pleased. After tabulating my calories for yesterday, I was quite shocked. I ate just over 2000 calories. My “prescribed goal” of calories is 1350 - 1750 given my activity level. I had to remind myself that the REASON I went to the gym was so that I could go over on my calories. But really, I was dismayed that I *treated* myself to just over 600 calories of rice. Rice is not THAT important. 600 calories!??? Ouch. Anyway, except for the chocolate soy ice cream, it was all quite healthy food. I need to keep reminding myself of that! And I RARELY go over calories, so it’s okay. It’s hard to get that through my head though.
Well, I’m still in bed, deciding what I want to do today. I’ve spent an hour or so on the internet replying, posting, and reading. What I’d really like to get motivated to do is go to a rec centre and go swimming. Well, I don’t actually swim. I mainly sit in the hot tub and sauna. I read the book “Ultra Metabolism” a few months ago, and it really helped me out of a plateau. While it seems as though I’m always trying to get out of a plateau, I have lost weight consistently since April. Already this year I have lost about 3.5 pounds. I’m getting off topic now. Sauna. Apparently you can sweat out toxins, and that’s good for you. Apparently your metabolism and your body works best at burning fat when it’s not trying to keep you healthy in other areas. I’m not interested in doing a real cleanse of any sort, because I’m not big on playing around with my calories. The liquid cleanse for a day or two that Scott mentioned sounded rather interesting though. I might give that a try on my next plateau. But at the moment, I’m doing really really well.
One of my life issues is that I get very very bored. At work, I can’t sit still. I literally do WORK for 8 hours a day. One of my favorite things to do is to be so “overwhelmed” with work, that I take a five minute lunch, and get right back to working. Some people sit in the lunch room, and basically stare at each other for a whole hour. I can’t do that. Why waste an entire hour? I heard a quote recently that went something like this: “Work very hard at your job for 8 hours a day, so that one day you can be the manager and work 12 hours a day.” I found that inspiring to put my work away at the end of the day. My goal is to do a good job at whatever I’m doing. This carries over in other areas of my life. I read until the exact moment that I’m falling asleep and can’t even reach up to turn off the lamp. When I walk - even to the bus - I put on either music or a podcast. This includes the treadmill. Some people workout without headphones. How do they do this? When I “relax”, it must be to some form of spoken meditation. If I really have nothing to do, I’ll play a computer game. And this brings me to the thought of: Why can’t I be alone with myself? What am I worried that I will think about, if I let a stray thought in? A long time ago, I read something about how people always have to have background noise. The TV needs to be on in the other room during dinner for some people. The radio has to be on in the car. Being around someone must always be filled with conversation. I remember this, but I don’t remember the solution or the explanation.
Last night, my boyfriend and I put the MTM episode 75 on our respective music players, and walked home from a friend’s house. It was a half hour walk, so the timing was perfect. It was nice to know that as I was hearing something funny that was being said, so was he. We did pause it from time to time so I could explain something to him (ie, “this is the guy I was telling you about whose friend said it was unlikely that he’d get in shape for the trip they are planning!") but in general it was quiet. Except, of course, for the podcast. I haven’t listened to the afterburner yet, and really want to. But I’m still in bed, and my headphones are on the kitchen counter. How lazy am I!???
Anyway, I’m glad to get this out. I used to be an avid journalist… I have daily diaries going back to grade one or so… (Which were really silly, I might add.) When my mom died, I didn’t want to remember too much, so have kept it down to an update every few weeks or so. This much consistency makes me feel fuzzy.
Congratulations on your 50 pounds lost in ‘06, Meredith! I didn’t realize that scales in Canada included that unit of measurement.
You mentioned in my story that we come from similar places. To add to our similarities, I also suffer from depression. Actually, I used to be on Lexapro and it seems like antidepressants only made me complacent and hungry!! After going on that medication, I gained about 30 pounds over the past two years. I am off of them now but I still have bouts with my emotions. However, I have also realized that exercise is the best antidepressant there is!
I guess what I am trying to say is, antidepressants can really help but there are potential drawbacks.
As far as work is concerned, are you allowed to leave the building during lunch? I used to not take lunches but would crash by the end of the day. Subsequently, I ate in the lunchroom with other coworkers but ultimately realized that I NEEDED to physically leave the office during this time. I drive to a park, park the car, and listen to the radio, read the newspaper, etc. I use that time for myself (but add the background noise you mentioned, HAHA!).
Take care and wishing you continued success in your weight loss!! I was going to say ‘good luck’, but it doesn’t sound like you need luck!
The word change is interesting. I remember going on a trip with my mom during the pre-Edmonton days, and hearing the song “Change - will do you good”. I sang along with it. Near the end, my mom was being jokingly upset, and said something like “Wow, you’d think that the singer thinks that change would do you good.” The song basically repeats that the entire time. Anyway, that always stuck out in my mind. I fear and hate change. The interesting thing about that, is whenever I’ve undergone change, often it has been a great experience. Whenever I’ve come out of a long relationship, I’ve actually enjoyed dating various people. After moving, while being anxious in a new place, it has always ended up positive.
And now, I have some more change. Monday morning, I’m going into work, and resigning. I’ve been with Ford for 3 years now. I can’t believe it’s that long. But things have been amassing for quite some time. Almost the entire time, to be honest. There has always been something keeping me there. Such as:
1. My mom. She was so proud of me having a great job, and me not wanting to dissappoint her by leaving.
2. Niilo not working, and me having a steady job to pay for things.
3. My mom passing away, and them giving me 3 weeks off. I have always felt indebted to them for letting me have the time back, and making the return so seemless.
4. The promotion. I felt that while I had the experience for the promotion, I didn’t have the education. I feel that they gave me a big boost in my career.
5. Guilt. Debbie was told I was her “last chance” ... and if I didn’t work out, the structure of the office was changing, and my position would be moving to another location.
6. The turnover. There was always someone coming and going. This made it that the timing was never right, and when there was turnover, Debbie and Carry were inevitably nicer to me, as I was more valuable to them. This is likely the biggest reason.
I do have a lot of things to write… but the daunting task of putting fingers to keyboard to write something worthy of one day being read to myself has kept me away from this site. So I’m going to end this rather quickly, and say thing things are progressing for the positive.
Change is a very interesting animal. It will happen, no matter what, and you can choose to make the best of it, or try to run. The only problem is that change will find you no matter what. Go ahead and resign if it is the best choice for you. Coworkers who really care about you will wish you the best. If you are only a tool to their advancement, who cares.
By the way, we all think you have something worthy to write, so just put the fingers to the keyboard and let it go. It doesn’t really matter if you think it is worthy, it matters that you care enough to share whatever you write with the rest of us. Keep posting, we wonder when you disappear.
OK, I’m being nosy. Why are you resigning? I want to cheer you on, but I think I may need more info here. If you don’t want to say, that’s fine. But we’re here if you want to talk.
I am resigning because it is a bad environment for me to be in. After the 2nd session with my therapist, she said “You have to leave there, it’s a bad environment for your mental health.” And she NEVER tells me things like that. (Before or since!) The two older ladies who run the office are very good friends. They gossip behind everyone’s backs, even those who think they are friends WITH them! There has been 9 girls working there since I started, and each one has had the courage to quit/resign/leave. The turnover in that office is phenomenal. My dependency and emotional issues have kept me there. Only recently in therapy was I able to see how I allowed them to do this to me, and how SIMILAR it is to the boyfriend I lived with for several years that was abusive to me. It’s rather shocking and ground breaking.
I deserve more. I don’t deserve to be treated like a 5 year old child.
I can understand, more than you might realize. I gave up not only a job but a life long career and childhood dream because the environment became unhealthy. I now have a life I love, friends, a satisfying career, and almost everything I ever wanted. Of course it’s not perfect, everyone needs something new to live for.
You are a wonderful person and you deserve so much more than the environment you describe. You deserve the freedom to live your dreams. Do not ever tolerate emotional or physical abuse either at home or in you workplace. Change is hard, but you are up to the challenge. I’m not the type to champion change just for the sake of change, but from your posts, I think you know what is right for you.
I know from my experience that it won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. There will be times you think you are crazy, times that you think that the world is against you, times you think that you are alone, but it is worth every minute, every tear you shed and all of the effort it takes to build the life of your dreams. Once you take that step, be ready for the roller coaster they call life. We’re all here with you because you will have those down moments, but they aren’t forever. Let us share the highs and cushion the lows. Best of luck in life.
I am so happy that you’re removing yourself from a bad environment. That does take guts, to pick up out of the known and put yourself out there. I’m so proud of you. Take chances and you’ll get what you want.
The reasons you’d given for staying made me wonder what could make you want to leave. A negative place can really seep into your soul and taint everything in your life. Keep us informed of the process, please. I’m so excited for you. I am praying for you, Meredith. I want you to get everything you need to be happy, this is a great first step toward that goal.
I am happy to hear that you elected to move on, Meredith. I know too many people who are resistant to change, whether it be their career path or a relationship, even when it is making them miserable. Plus, people often underestimate the effect that “stress” has on your health.
I have specificially not told people about the meds before because I’ve been worried about a reaction. But this site is quite different. And really, if I’m going to progress, I need to be honest with myself.
