I’ve recently found out that my grandma is back on hospice. There are mixed emotions here. I’m devastated at the thought of losing her, but relieved that Mom will get the help she needs to take care of her. Mom’s taken a 6 week family medical leave, and Grandma’s not expected to live to the end of it. We’re going back around the 4th, and I’ll get to see her then, but it will probably be the last time. A few years ago she was diagnosed with kidney failure, and miraculously came back from that. I rushed home to see her, and really was shocked and elated that she made it.

Since her initial rally and full recovery, she’s gotten steadily weaker. She’s fallen a few times, luckily never broke anything. She’s a big woman, always has been (since I’ve known her), and it has taken its toll on her. My mom’s sold her house and moved in with her to help out. It’s too much for Mom to handle anymore, and her health is getting bad now too.

So, I’m grateful for the help, and that I will be able to see her again, but I don’t want to say good-bye. We’ve always been very close. I used to spend every summer with my grandparents, and always knew I was safe there. To think of that comfort no longer being there is really hard. I know she’s going to heaven, and I know she’s ready. Grandpa will be there waiting for her, and that’s going to be such a blessed occasion. But I’m selfish. I like calling her all the time and talking about everything and nothing. I like knowing she’s always there when I need her.

Sorry to get so down, this is the first time I’ve let the reality of it settle in. That’s what I get for staying up too late alone, truth. And it hurts.

Hey you -

I’m so sorry that you’re facing the loss of your grandmother. 

I am in a similar situation to you - I spent a lot of time with my grandparents when I was growing up, and there is going to be a huge hole in my life when my grandmother is gone.  Even though my granddad has been gone for a couple of years, having her around almost makes it feel like I have him still, and when she is gone there will be a big empty space.  Parents are important, but grandparents fill such a special place in our lives, don’t they?

Take care and know that a lot of us will be out here thinking of you over the next few weeks.

Laura

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, Bree. Please know that my prayers are with you and your family. The loss of dear family members is so hard. Be strong. We all know this day is going to come. My grandparents are all gone already and my own parents are really getting up there in age. I try not to think about it too much but I know I’ll have to face that someday as well. I’m here for you if you need to talk.

Thanks girls. It is hard, and it really sucks. I was there when Grandpa died. He had a sudden heart attack, no one saw it coming. Not sure which one is harder. I am very blessed to have had such wonderful grandparents, and being able to say so to her face is priceless.

On a much happier note, Hubby and I are celebrating our 10 year anniversary Friday! Yep, Friday the 13th. Got places for both of the girls to stay, and we’re going to take the motorcycle to Jackson and have sushi. When we’re back in South Dakota we’re taking a few days and heading to the Black Hills for a second honeymoon. He’s worried that I’ll just be down the whole time because I’ll have just seen Grandma.

Any advice on how to still have fun after that? I do want to celebrate life, not just mourn death.

Any advice on how to still have fun after that? I do want to celebrate life, not just mourn death.

This could help: Live life in gratitude. Be thankful for all the time you have spent with her and don’t focus on the future absence because she’ll always be with you in spirit. Most people don’t have the luxury of saying “goodbye”. Be thankful of that, too. Good luck with this and keep us posted.

Bree.. take peace in knowing that she will be with the Lord in Heaven and in knowing that you will have a joyfull reunion with her many years from now.  It is part of His plan.  God Bless.

Grandma is worse, much worse. Not eating, not drinking, sleeping a lot, you know the stuff. Our trip to go back there is Saturday, I thought about heading out early, but that’s not doable. So when we get to my father-in-laws, my mom is going to pick me up, and I’ll be staying with her and Grandma until the second honeymoon trip, or just before. That leaves Hubby to deal with the girls alone for a few days, but he’ll be fine. Kids seem to wear Grandma out, so they’ll stop in on the way through and have a very short visit.

I so want her to hang on until I get there, one more hug, one more good-bye. On the other hand, I don’t want suffering to last any longer. Good thing it’s not up to me, He knows what He’s doing, I’ll just trust in that.

Bree, I’m sorry about your grandmother’s health. You posed the dichotomy of losing someone suddenly versus them hanging on. Both are hard on us survivors. One is a shock and the other is a strain. It’s just never easy. Take care of yourself during this unhappy time and make sure you let your feelings out as needed.

Peace and joy,

Ann

Bree - I’ve said a prayer for you, your grandmother and your family.  It is obvious that you love her very much and it is hard to say goodbye.  Can she talk over the phone? I know it is not the same as in person, but at least she will hear your voice and know she is loved by you. 

Take Care

Bree,
I’m so sorry about your grandmother.  I hope you are able to have some time with her.

Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Hang in there, kiddo. You will get through this.

Thanks girls. I talked to her on the phone today. It was so hard, she sounds so weak. I told her she means so much to me, she said the same back, we both cried. She knows I’m coming up, I really can’t wait to get up there. She’s always been there for me, I spent every summer with her after we moved away. For a long time, her home was my only safe haven. I know I no longer need the safe haven, but knowing she won’t be there is like having the safety net taken away.

Onto happier news, I had a new click today. I really like the way I’m being a mom this summer. I’ve kept my house picked up and mostly clean (we do still live here), the kitchen is clean everyday before we go to the pool, and so is the rest of the house for the most part. We go to the pool almost everyday, take plenty of snacks (healthy), and drinks (healthy). We usually have extra kids with us, and they are all well behaved an listen to me. At home there is fun, chores, and a loose routine. Kids have fun here, feel safe, and comfortable. I’m not stressed, not yelling, and just am really enjoying this time with my kids.

Also, I’m working out 6 days a week, running again, and have my diet under control without any feelings of depravity. I really do love my life, and thank God for the blessing of living it.

Bree, I hope you do make it to see your grandmother (I know you left today). The experience of seeing her so ill will probably help you accept her loss. It won’t make you not miss her, but it will make a difference to you. At least it has for me with the relatives I’ve lost who have been quite ill.

Well, I’m at Grandma’s. I’ve been helping, and that makes me feel better. She was happy to see me, gave me a big hug, and promptly fell back to sleep. I didn’t cry until the sun went down and I could hear her talking in her sleep. It’s really more of a conversation, not sure with who, but I believe its not just one sided. I did hear Grandpa’s name once.

Meant to run today, even drove the route so I knew how far to run, but didn’t make it. Went for a walk with my brother and his baby, but that’s been it. I’m hoping I can sleep tonight, that’s been an issue for me lately.

Thanks for all the prayers. She won’t be getting better, I’m just praying for the pain to subside.

Bree

You are so generous with your support for everyone in here and I’m sure you are the same way at home with your family right now.  I really hope that you are getting some in return.  God bless you!