Personal Development Community

Hi everyone,

I have recently had a really important development in my life.  I’ve gone from someone who scoffed at ‘spirituality’ to being someone who wants to develop a spiritual practice...and this all happened a couple of weeks ago and I feel like I am in the research stage of trying to find out how to DO the things in alignment with the myriad of realizations I’ve had recently. 

Well my focus has now turned to my relationships and how I am in them.  I feel wonderful about all of them except for my marriage and this really occurred to me today.  My husband and I went for a walk in the park and I commented on a video we had seen on TED talks of a speaker talking about new and fantastic ways of harnessing solar energy.  While the talk was hard to follow because the speaker used a lot of references to mathematical formulas and stuff, in the end both of us were amazed and inspired by this man’s invention.  Anyway we were walking along and I said “Wow, it’s nice to know that there are people who can apply math to the real world...I wish I could think that way.” My comment was intended to convey my sense of awe with the fact that math does have a real world application and here was this man doing it in a way that could change the way we use energy.  The comment was not really intended to moan about my mathematical shortcomings - but rather to reflect on how amazing the invention was.  My husband immediately went on a tirade about how we need to change education, the pitch and volume of his voice raising.  Needless to say the next 30 minutes of our walk was a discourse on the problems of our society and how all the people in my husband’s life (including his parents) never looked after his “best interests” or encouraged him to study music and drama and now here he is at the age of 38 with no real occupation and decades of experience as a cook in the food service industry.  I tried really hard to be there for him and asked him questions like “...and how did that make you feel?”, but in the end I realized that this was not the first time my husband has gone on a rant like this.  In fact, this was more than a weekly activity for him, and it seems that his favorite activity is going on for an hour about what’s wrong in the world from politics to culture and religion and then on into the people in his life and how they all seemed to conspire to make life difficult.  I realized that my husband harbors a lot of resentment and anger - but I had never noticed this about him before.  In fact, I could clearly remember all of his rants, which I tried to engage in as conversation, but found it difficult to talk with him because he wouldn’t let me speak.  It always bothered me but now I realize exactly why. 

He is clinging to the past like there’s no tomorrow.  I am in the beginning of my own spiritual journey and I don’t know how to handle this.  I don’t know if I can be the space for it.  This is only one example of the fact that my husband is stuck in some patterns and spends a lot of time thinking without any conscious reflection on his thoughts, words or behavior.  I am trying really hard to be there, but I feel like a part of me has died to this way of thinking.  I know I need some time to get to know myself a little better and to work on how I AM in the world - but I feel like escaping from my relationship.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to be present in this situation?
Much thanks,
Delpha

Delpha, it can be tough when you and someone you’re close to are growing in different directions, or one of you is changing and one is not.

There’s a lot going on there, and I don’t pretend to be a relationship expert by any means (!) but one suggestion I would make is that, if you’re interested, you check into a book called “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life” by Marshall Rosenberg. And/or see if they have an audio CD, which is a slightly different presentation of his stuff, at your local library. I don’t think one book or program holds all the answers, but reading and processing the ideas did teach me that I was often neglecting to actually ask for the behavior I wanted from other people. I expected them to know or behave as I would, some of the time. If it doesn’t help you in one direction, it might help you with other relationships, or just how you ‘hear’ other people. (Your husband may have an even harder time expressing what his needs are, which is why they come out as rants.)

I’ve noticed that “how did that make you feel?” is a question which often works better with women than men. Not all men, of course. In the reverse direction, we’re often hoping men will ask us how we feel, or sharing our feelings, and getting a series of pragmatic suggestions back, when sometimes we just wanted to express ourselves.  On the other hand, sometimes I need the pragmatic suggestion.

Also, I encourage you to keep a journal. And set aside some quiet time to be alone, either to formally meditate or just to ponder. When I get away from that, I’m often surprised at how, for example, the hour of quiet reflection in Quaker Meeting can be just what I needed.

Peace and joy,

Ann

Would he be open to spiritual/personal development things?

Maybe he is, in case you just do your thing, and invite him to come along??

I think somebody needs to discover for themselves, and that they might be interested even if it doesn’t show. Otherwise he may first loose his antipathie and reluctance after which he can take you serious and listen to what you want to tell him, these are all very sensitive subjects so it sounds, and you can discuss his parents etc and who they where at the time he was a child/growing up. He might understand, since he is probably their age now.

Hopefully you can stay by the side of your husband.
He is probably in a lot of pain, and if he can find his peace together with you your bond will be so special.

(Hope this doesn’t sound too woolly )

Ciao,
Muriel

In my case I thought my relationship was lost, and I didn’t have much hope. I took my own development in particular in yoga and meditation to get my own brain in order after personal past and at that point current chaotic experiences. Guess who came along and is now the home-yogi-master…

Hi Delpha

It sounds like you are a little out of step at the moment, but remember that you both need to progress at your own speed. 

The first step toward self improvement is the realization that there is more to life.  Only then can you take the steps that are necessary to improve things.  Anger and resistance is a natural reaction, and hopefully temporary.  I hope that you have the strength and patience to listen and to encourage him to question, allow him to rant, then be there to support when he is ready to take the next steps. 

I am eternally gratefully for the friends I had who stayed with me, in spite of my irrational rantings and complaints, and supported me thought my first steps to finding a better life.  I hope that he will be too.

Delpha,

Your hubby is behaving like 8/10 men in this world. Men instinctively like to analyze problems and fix the blame. He’s also in a lot of pain with regard to how his life has turned out. And as a result, he’s carrying a lot of that baggage around.

And so are you.

If I were you, I’d focus on improving yourself and letting him be just the way he is. You’re on the right track in terms of what you need in life as a direction. You found it on your own and in your own time. Grant him the same luxury. And while you’re improving yourself, you’ll see that it has an infectious kind of effect and you’ll find him gravitating to that point of happiness he’ll see you in. You know the old saying… “You can take a horse to the water…

All the best.

Ro

Great advice Ro.  I was just roaming around the forum and saw this post.  It was perfect timing to remind me:  I have an amazing husband but sometimes I forget to give him space to handle things the way he needs to.  I get caught up in trying to make him happy or solve his problem and then I feel rejected when I can’t.  But you are right and after 26 years I should know sometimes he just needs to be the way he is and process through whatever he is going through without me meddling and feeling insecure about it.