Yeah, I know it’s almost over… but I was updating 2007, which seems silly in retrospect.

Hello 2008 Journal (and MTM land),

I’m sorry I haven’t visited you quite so often as I should
And that I ate anything and everything that didn’t taste like wood

Stress eating is a crutch that I know too well
I was on the health wagon, and boom! Yep, I fell

My pants they got tighter, my shirts - they did too
I had to go up a size (boo-hoo!)

But luckily I didn’t toss them all away
(I guess I was subconsciously anticipating this day)

My closet is bulging, with many a different size
My pride is wounded, my private demise

A child even asked if I was expecting the stork!
(No sweetheart, she did that with a knife and fork)

But I am not grounded, just following old patterns
and once upon a time, they served me well
It’s time to get moving, clean out my mind caverns
and fill them with something besides sight and smell

A sixty-pound loss seemed so small at the time
when I thought of the weight that I had left to lose
But it’s not about when - or how much - but why (nope, no rhyme)
And that every outcome I experience is the one that I choose

I’m moving…
I’m 305.4 pounds… dang it!
And I choose to stand up, take a step, and repeat…
And I will reach my destination…

Not worried about when… or how… but why I want this to happen…

What I want
Why I want it
Who I want it for (me!)

Let’s see what’s around the bend. There’s a pair of pants that I fit a year ago that are too tight now… and now, that’s my goal.

Till then - thank goodness for SPANX!!!

Have a good one!

Hey Josette!
Long time no hear.....
You know, we are all on this journey.... with all sorts of highs and lows....

I love your post!  it is sooooo inspiring, so real…

looking forward to reading about your continued journey to health!!

Thanks Tom You’re the only tri-athlete that I know, and it’s great to hear from you.  Keep up your great work, we really appreciate the moderators soooooooooo much in MTM land.

Your poem cracked me up, I love it! I’m so happy you’re back. We can help each other get back on track. Check out Denise’s 100 days thread for some amazing inspiration, also Zookie’s (Julie). After reading those, you won’t be able to sit still—that is a warning, btw.

Bree

You know, it’s not often that I get five letters telling me to check out your post. It’s awfully good!

One question though. Where have you been?

Okay, it’s obvious by your note that no matter what has gone on, you’ve got it figured out. I’m proud of you.

Keep it up girl, and you can bet you be hearing your letter on a future show.

Talk to you soon.

Scott - 23 September 2008 04:23 PM

You know, it’s not often that I get five letters telling me to check out your post. It’s awfully good!

One question though. Where have you been?

Hiya Scott

Thanks for the note, I’m glad that you and others enjoyed my post.  I was a little hesitant to get back into posting after so long, but listening to all of your recent podcasts inspired me to talk with others and keep myself accountable.

That, and a quick boost of encouragement from Bree… who answered my PM almost immediately.  (Thanks Bree!)

To answer your question - Life got in the way.  I got pretty sick on the evening of my Wedding, and was under the weather until the last day of our honeymoon.  It was still wonderful - cruise to Grand Cayman and Cozumel, with a day at Disney to top it off - but I wish I had felt better.

My diet went out the window, as did my working out, several months before the big day.  Then I kept putting my nutrition and exercise off, and putting it off, until I noticed how easily I was getting winded, and that my body had changed again.  This time, for the worse.  Clothes got tight, and my sleep suffered. 

My Dad was in the hospital for colon cancer, but they removed 1/2 of his colon, and he’s doing better.  He’ll be on kidney dialysis within 6 to 12 months.  So I was dealing with family issues, a stressed out Mom, and visiting my Father who was in denial that his life was about to change. 

He’s still not doing what the doctors are telling him too… and it’s his life.  I can’t control it, I can only offer my love and support. 

In addition my husband Jerry’s Mom has been in and out of the hospital with lung growths and pneumonia.  We’re dealing with budget issues, still living with roommates, being passed over for promotion, and all of the fun that goes into the picking up and dropping off of a 10-year old stepson who lives a couple of hours and gas tanks away from us every other week.

So the usual work stress, family stress, money stress, home stress (roomies), and the physical stress was wearing on me.  I turned to my husband for some things, but I turned to MTM for something else entirely - a reality check.

There are uncontrollable aspects of any life, ups and downs, and it’s not all fair… that’s part of anyone’s experience.  What can I do, right now, to make a difference?  How do I want to feel? 

There was one place that I knew I could rely on for daily inspiration and motivation.  One place that would help me to regain the balanced state and help me to achieve amazing results.  One place where I knew that I could converse freely about my weight without shame, my thoughts, my stresses, anything and everything where I could connect and not feel so alone.  It started with listening to the podcasts again… getting off my butt (and smacking it, apparently)… and getting moving.

Balance is coming, and I can’t believe that I forgot how much stress relief comes from a simple 30-mintue walk.  What was I thinking with the trips to the vending machine, staring blankly in the reflection of the glass and spacing out?  Not hungry, just wanting to numb myself for a while.

I’m past numb.  I’m here.  And I’m glad to be doing something healthy for mind, body and spirit. 

Thank you for your note Scott, and thank you and my fellow MTM’ers for your continued support.  It was always just a download away… waiting for me. 

Oh, and if I haven’t said it already, CONGRATS on your Marriage to Joi!  You guys sound so great together

Here’s a picture of me or two… a good one, and a not-so-good one.  You have to start somewhere, right?

Cheers,
~ Josette ~

Hey there, Josette:

Thank you for being a part of the first few days with me, this week, as I start out whittling my weight back down. With my summer, my operation and sitting down for so much of the recovery I’ve gained weight. Thank you as well for sharing your story in your profile here.  So much that you’ve spoken about hits home with me too.  The most poignant item is that our walking seems to help deal with each day’s stress. But, then there are those daily Life stressors as well; it surely must be something to pick up the tab for two or three tankfuls of gas to be part of a stepson’s life. And, yet our life task seems to be about making it all work (and that’s where we all are always learning). I hope you’ve been able to get out again today, walking. The day seems to unravel so much better with this key ingredient.

Congratz on your wedded state!

Take good care of your good self.

Ross

Ross in Alberta - 25 September 2008 09:07 PM

Hey there, Josette:

Thank you for being a part of the first few days with me, this week, as I start out whittling my weight back down. With my summer, my operation and sitting down for so much of the recovery I’ve gained weight. Thank you as well for sharing your story in your profile here. So much that you’ve spoken about hits home with me too. The most poignant item is that our walking seems to help deal with each day’s stress.

Hiya Ross!

Wow, you made my day - thanks for posting that here

Getting back onto the horse isn’t easy… but we’re both doing it. We’re all doing it. Go us!

Walking off the stress is just like going to the gym. Ah, the gym. Here’s how it sometimes feels:

-- You don’t want to go
-- You get dressed to go, or you pack your bag
-- You get to the locker room. Arrgh, I don’t want to be here.
-- You contemplate leaving, but decide to go upstairs to see what’s happening
-- You get onto your cardio machine, and you see the people working out, and you still don’t want to be there
-- You distract yourself with TV, your iPod, whatever you possibly can
-- You throw a towel over the machine… if I don’t see how much longer I have to do this, I can get through this!
-- You get halfway through - hey, I’m halfway through!
-- You finish the cardio… and your TV show or podcast is still on
-- You wonder… heck, what else can I do as long as I’m here?

I felt the same way about walking at work during my lunch time. If I can just get my shoes on, my iPod on, and get out the door, I’m halfway there. I just have to get started.

Not every day is like that, to be sure, but the first week back SURE feels like that, doesn’t it? But somewhere in the workout you see the trees, feel the breeze, and forget about work/home/whatever’s on your mind. Somewhere out there, you find peace in the sweat. And it is good.

I’m glad to be back, and I’m glad you’re here with me. You can do it, Ross, go for it! Working out in the cold isn’t much fun, but you’ll feel amazing soon, and LOOK amazing next Spring, if not sooner.

Slow and steady wins every time

Quick update - I’ve exercised every day since Monday, drank my water, and started utilizing FITDAY again to track my calories.  What an eye opener!

http://www.fitday.com

It’s free, and they recently upgraded it so that you can do all sorts of nifty things that you couldn’t do before.  One thing that has stayed the same is the CUSTOM FOOD section. 

You enter your food items that you eat, and FITDAY has a lot of them in the system.  But you can take the nutritional information off of the back of any item and enter it into a CUSTOM FOOD item.  This is great for tracking your intake of calories, your fat vs. protien vs. carbohydrate ratio, your weight loss, your moods, you name it.  It’s a tool that you can use as little or as much as you like… and it generates reports!  Very sweet.

I resisted using it until I read several articles about it.  It’s basically homework - which I don’t enjoy doing - but I couldn’t honestly see where I was faltering in my diet.

This tool helped me to make a weight loss goal, told me how many calories I would have to intake to reach that goal by my desired date, and monitors everything that I imput.  I could see I needed more fiber, and that I take in WAY too many calories from fat. 

It accounts for everything from my semi-sedentary work day, to my exercise, to sleep!  It can be as simple or as complex as you want to make it.

I’m still trying to figure things out, but I’m on target with a small goal (15 lbs by October 31st).  If I miss it by that date, will I be upset?  Well, I won’t be dancing in the aisles, but I won’t have failed.  I will have lost weight, gained strength and endurance, and will feel a lot better.  I’ll make a new goal, and I’ll go after that.  Small corrections, until I find the right fit for me.

And the best news of all is that I’m down from 305 to 301.6 since starting again on Monday.  Yay!  We’re in the midst of year end spending (tis’ the Federal Government, they release money to us from our own budget at the last minute to buy the things we NEED to work) with people running around like chickens with their heads cut off, and I’m OK.  Calm.  What the heck?!? 

They’re even attacking the darn vending machine - give me my M&M;’s!!!! 

I had my cheat yesterday, which I budgeted for, and which I’m working off in a 3-day cycle.  Who knew that if you budgeted calories, like money, you could make it work for you? 

Have a great weekend, everyone!  I probably won’t be around to post until Monday or Tuesday, but I’ll try to check in before then.  Stay focused, we can do it… together! 

Here’s the recap of the past few days…

THE WEEKEND

DJ’d at two different parties, and it wiped me out.  Friday night, after work, DJ’d a sixteen yr-old surprise party for a boy.  For those of you outside of the DC area, we had rain several days in a row - including that Friday, which it rained all day.  The party?  Yep, it was outside… in a tent… in their driveway… their sloping driveway.

So the rain that hit the tent or the house flowed down the driveway, right through the tent.  By the end of the night, we were all wet, sweaty, and smelled just terriffic.  LOL

The house was a McMansion with a strict no-shoes allowed policy.  So kids have to use the bathroom, right?  The Mom set out a trail of towels from the garage area up to the bathroom.  Smart plan… considering the rain.

The WEIRDEST part was how they surprised the kid.  This tripped me out - I was freaked a bit for 15 mintues after it happened.  The father took a blindfold with him to pick up the boy after football practice.  He also put a pillowcase on his head, and used zip ties - like the kind they use for the police in lieu of handcuffs - to secure his hands BEHIND HIS BACK. 

The kids gathered around when we saw the lights coming up the drive.  The dad opens the backseat, and the blaring music comes out (I suppose so he didn’t hear what was going on during the drive) and the father roughly takes him out of the back seat and towards the tent.  He cuts the ties, yanks the hood and blindfold off of his head, and yells out HE’S ALL YOURS!  The kids yell SURPRISE!  And they go to hug him.

The 16-yr-old was visably shaken.  I don’t know that the Father went about the most practical way to surprise his son.  It was a bit creepy.  If you could have seen his eyes… you would have thought he was going to pee his pants. 

ANYWAY, that party went off without a hitch.  Lots of dancing, and I’m DJing for the same family this weekend for their 13 yr-old child.  Non-surprise, thank goodness, at a ritzy country club.

SATURDAY I DJ’d a 25-yr reunion for the class of 1983 at the same ritzy country club I’ll be at next week.  The room they had us in cost $10k just to rent it… before food, service and drink costs.  Yikes!  But the view of the golf course and such off of the balcony is amazing.  It’s what I’d imagine God’s backyard to look like

It was a VERY long gig - 7 hours of playing time.  With the 1-hour prior and after for set-up and break down, not to mention travel… you can imagine the day.  L O N G.  No workout was attempted… LOL.

I was basically a radio.  No one danced.  They all hung out on the balcony (again, AMAZING), drank, smoked, and played in the casino… again, by the balcony. 

There was this woman who was apparently with the class, but also the boss of the company that was maning the reunion desk at the front door.  She was more than a little drunk.  And she started coming up towards the end of the evening making requests. 

She wasn’t who I was booked with - that was the class president (a guy).  But I don’t mind playing requests if I can, and if they are appropriate.  She was… pushy.  Very pushy.  And very drunk.  And very mean.

If I didn’t have a song she requested, she would be visibly angered.  Sister, the 80’s were 28 years ago, I may not have EVERY song you know in my collection.  I had every song that was requested by the Class president, who booked the gig.  But geez, come on, chill out.

I was told the gig would be like this… as were the parties held for this class in the past.  No dancing.  I got them up a couple of times, but basically I was in a ballroom by myself most of the evening.

Anyway, this lady hangs around at the end of the gig, surrounded by some friends, drinking and talking VERY LOUDLY.  She kept saying what a horrible DJ I was, and that she had more fun at a wake… ha-ha-ha.  That I didn’t have any good music, etc.

I can’t say anything, I have to pack my stuff in silence.  I wanted to go over and give her a piece of mind, but I know that’s not professional.  The guy tipped me, so whatever!

MONDAY
Spent 3-hours in the dental office.  Part of the marathon that is getting my body in great working order, not just USE AT YOUR OWN RISK

I went in only eating an apple for an 11am appointment.  By 2pm, I was famished, and went to the Chinese place next door.  That’s like shopping while your hungry - not a smart plan.

Yeah… that whole “what’s up with the scale today” thing is hard to fathom.  I guess it comes down to weighing yourself every day, like Scott says, and watching the trends over 4-days.  It all kinda evens out in 4-days, but you may not see the results of eating out, a cheat, etc, for several days after the event.

I find the act of going to a buffet sureal now.  Feel like I’m not getting my money’s worth, even though that’s entirely not true.  The Chinese buffet near my dental office has awesome Mongolian BBQ - aka, fresh Chinese food.  You pick what goes in, the sauce, etc, so it can be as healthy as you want it to be… or as naughty.  They cook it up on a big metal island in front of you, and it’s amazingly fresh and tasty.  If you ever get the opportunity, try it sometime.

I load up on the veggies, throw a little chicken on top, and make it a little spicy.  Yeah, I know that the part to watch is the sauces (sodium, MSG and fat), so I try to do that. 

Getting just one plate, at $8.50 to $11 (depending on which meal you’re there for) isn’t bad for a meal.  But because it’s ALL YOU CAN EAT, a panic sets in - I must fill up so I don’t waste money.

I ate a bit more than I should have, and I knew it.  I didn’t get on the scale this morning, because I was afraid of what it would say.  That’s silly… I should totally get on the scale.  I’ll try tomorrow AM.

Sounds like a crazy weekend, with some crazy people (not all good). Weigh yourself, the scale really isn’t something to be feared. At least no more than the mirror is. It gives honest feedback, good or bad.

I’m here anytime you need to chat.

Bree

Bree - 30 September 2008 04:13 PM

Weigh yourself, the scale really isn’t something to be feared. At least no more than the mirror is. It gives honest feedback, good or bad.

Well, the jeans are fitting looser… that’s a start Thanks Bree!

Wow what a post!

like Bree says.... the scale is just a scale.... like a mirror......

dont be afraid of it...embrace it!

your doing good, keep it up!

Hi Josette. thank you gfor being one of the first people to welcome me in MTMland. Glad to hear that you are getting back on track again. I loved your poem -very creative and funny and real!
You can do this!

trimlee - 02 October 2008 08:24 AM

Hi Josette. thank you gfor being one of the first people to welcome me in MTMland. Glad to hear that you are getting back on track again. I loved your poem -very creative and funny and real!
You can do this!

UK in the house!

Hey, thanks for stopping by my Journal, great to see you on the forums. And thanks for the support, you’re sweet!

I finally read what you did, don’t know why I missed it the first time. VLCD = Very low calorie diet. Good for you, and keep up your great work. You found what works for you, and that’s 1/2 the battle.

Keep on posting - I’m looking forward to learning all about you and working through your ups and downs as you work towards your goals. Go for it!

Cheers,
~ Josette ~

I am exhausted today.... 

I can’t seem to do anything at faster than a snails’ pace.  Couldn’t even muster up the energy to go for my lunch walk.

Have been to the dentist THREE times this week - long story, but for the same problem. 

Not getting quality sleep.

Two DJ gigs tommorrow.... so an all day thing.  One a benefit for a dog park - yay!

Worked out at the gym 3-times this week, and went walking at lunch 3-times this week.

I will find the energy to walk today, somehow, if only for 10 minutes.  We have an antiquated treadmill at home, and DVD’s to watch. 

Then I can crumble into bed.

Only then…

And BTW, although my old computer program (in my head) tells me that eating chocolate at 2pm is a GOOD thing when I’m feeling tired and run down to PICK ME UP, it is definately wrong.  I feel worse.

But at least it tasted good… and I’m moving on.

Have a good weekend everyone.  We have Trey this weekend, but I will try to touch base.  I’m definately touching a pillow soon.  Ahhhhhh!

Enjoy this diet coke… with bacon!