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Hi All!
I made the big move to see a lawyer this week and found out that I can move away from here as soon as I file divorce papers. I am not required to wait a certain time period or even until it is final. The most important thing is to have an agreement drawn up and signed (probably much more difficult than it sounds) so my assets are protected while the house and other items are up for sale. I have been busy putting together a list of household items so we can divide those. As I may have mentioned before, our situation is a little complicated but I am certain my attorney will handle things properly and watch out for my interests.
This past weekend I experienced an unbelievable fit of rage by my husband and he chose to do it in front of our friends. Although at the time, I was shaking like a leaf and really did not want to go home that night, I can now say that this is just another example of him using intimidation tactics to make me submissive to him. I’ll do what I have to to get through the next few weeks but I am so convinced that this was a blessing in disguise.
I’m so glad you have been getting some good advice from your lawyer. You must protect your rights. I’m sorry to read of your husband’s outburst. It isn’t necessary to behave that way.
Thanks Fi, yes - professionals are called that for a reason! When I pointed out to my lawyer that my husband saw no need to involve an attorney, she said “I don’t change my own oil or do my own taxes”. I agree wholeheartedly!
Thought I would post an update. The past days have been a continued roller coaster of emotions, mostly anger and sadness. I started out thinking I had control over myself and it was just a matter of getting things in order and moving on. Unfortuantely, that has not been as easy as it sounded. My positive outlook has faltered and not to say it won’t be back, I believe I fooled myself into thinking things would be quick and painless. I have done a few things out of anger and jealousy that I am not proud of lately. It has brought me down but it is proving more difficult to separate my investment of eighteen years overnight. I just don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel yet.
About a week ago, I decided that each day I would do something to take my mind off my problems for a while. Things like golf, going to lunch with a friend, working on my art. I find enjoyment each time I do these things, but it seems like I end up coming home to one more argument or his latest moodswing. I just hold my breath and wish I could make it through a single day without all this garbage.
Hang in there, you didn’t get into this situation overnight, it will take time to get out.
I remember during my divorce while I was still living with my ex. It felt like a black cloud descended over me when I went home. You aren’t alone and your feelings, while uniquely yours, have much in common with others who have been through similar situations. I admire your ability to take control over your life, even for just a few minutes, and that you continue to do something for yourself. Feel free to vent here any time, or if you need to dump on someone, send me a PM. Anything you say would be totally confidential.
There is light at the end of this tunnel even though it may not feel that way. Yes, it is going to take time, and yes, it is going to get ugly. The only thing I could think when reading your post was ‘well, there’s one more mood swing dealt with and gone’. It’s like crossing them off, done and dusted, if that makes any sense.
I just got back from vacation and I’m catching up on my MTM-land reading. How are you doing? Have there been any updates?
I can’t say I know how it feels to go through what you’re going through, but I offer you my support regardless. I know you’re strong, and you’ve got lots of people here you can lean on to prop you up when you don’t feel strong enough on your own. Hang in there! You can do it! One step at a time, you’re moving away from him and closer towards the life of your dreams.
Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. Things have not gotten much better and I have endured additional outbursts, anger and rage from my husband. He has intimidated me into submission, but only because that is the single way I can see my way through this terrible ordeal. If I agree to his demands, he remains calm and I have a peaceful day.
I am making strides towards moving out and will report back when that happens. I pray that it is only a matter of days.
I hope everything goes well for you. It sounds like your husband is an absolute jerk. If he’s really causing you this much distress, have you looked into womens’ shelters in your area? I suspect you’d be able to stay there until you find somewhere nice to live. Plus, it’ll give him a slap in the face. Can you imagine the look on his face when he has to tell his friends, “I’m such a horrible person to my wife that she’s living in a womens’ shelter”?
Cindy, my sympathies and prayers for you. Have you told your lawyer about your husband’s outbursts and has he/she given you any advice about them?
One of the MTM members for a while was finding at least one thing each day to be grateful for. I thought the idea was a good antidote for negative feelings. Obviously the process won’t “fix” the situation, but it might help you cope.
Unless someone else is also doing it, I’m the one who started (and maintained) the “gratitude journal” thread. It’s in the “Spiritual Side” forum. Now that I’m back from vacation, I’m going to start updating it again.
Of course, I love when other people post things they’re grateful for as well! Everyone is welcome!
Yes - I have read Julie’s thread but not yet posted there. In the past, I have done this type of thing and you are correct - it makes you think about the GOOD things in your day. Thanks for your prayers and support.
Sounds like you are still in a very bad situation but you are being strong and moving away from it. Please be careful and if there is any chance that your husband could become violent, please get out immediately. The fact that he is still your husband doesn’t give him the right to intimidate, threaten, or be abusive in any way. You deserve to be treated kindly with respect no matter what is happening in your relationship. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I am grateful that you have found this community and are receptive to the support that you have found here. Keep us posted, we care about you.
Cindy, its tough to be in the position that you are. No doubt about it. But as you go through this rough period, the way you conduct yourself will determine the kind of person that emerges out of this ordeal. I’ve been quietly reading this thread and would like to say a few things that might help you along the way:
You said something very insightful a few posts above. You said:
I have done a few things out of anger and jealousy that I am not proud of lately. It has brought me down but it is proving more difficult to separate my investment of eighteen years overnight. I just don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel yet.
First, I applaud you for being honest to yourself and taking responsibility for your conduct. Next, I’m going to say that you’re clinging on to the past too hard ! Let it go. You reaped the benefits (whatever they were) of that investment for the period that you were married. That’s over so let it go.
As regards his infidelity, well, that’s a choice that HE made. You didn’t have anything to do with it. Was it a wrong choice? Yes it was. Could you have done anything to prevent it? Perhaps not. So why get angry over something you have no control over? Yes, it does affect you… but only if you give it the power to affect you. If you consider this to be an event (an unpleasant one, for sure) that simply happened, you can then let go of it and move on with your life. You resent him tremendously as of now. But resentment is “drinking the poison yourself and hoping the other person dies”. How many deaths have you died in the past weeks? And what has any of your resentment accomplished for you? From what I read, its simply brought you more grief wondering what he’s doing and who he’s with.
And never, ever use the words “Why me”? Because every time you say those words, you are looking for someone to blame. In this case, you DO have someone to blame. But my question is this - what good is any of the blaming doing for YOU?
The past doesn’t exist.... and as of now, neither does the future. However, you can’t change the past, but you can act today in ways that will make the future a better one for you. The more you cling to things such as memories, arguments, possessions, bank balances, the more you’ll be miserable about the person you emerge as. In my view, the more you let go (the blame, the anger, the resentment, the possessions), the more calm you’ll find yourself and the stronger you’ll emerge. Your identity will be intact, and you would have denied your husband’s weaknesses to control you.
Lastly, regardless of what he’s done - forgive him. You can’t change what’s happened. But as long as you don’t forgive him, you’ll always have bad memories of the past 18 years in your head. And that is a large burden to carry all your life. If you forgive him, you close this chapter and move on. The hours, days and perhaps even years of pain you’ll save yourself is enormous. Whether or not you forgive him makes no difference to HIM. I say you should do it for YOURSELF And because it’s the right thing to do. Everybody makes mistakes and everybody deserves to be forgiven. (No, I’m not talking about second chances, only forgiveness).
I wish you all the best. I think its time for you to let go.
