I don’t know if this is even the right thing to do or the right place to say it but I need some support right now. If someone replies to tell me this forum is inappropriate, I’ll just delete the topic.

About two weeks ago, my husband told me that he did not want to continue in our eighteen year marriage. I am just devastated and it is really having a big effect on my ability to even think about food. I’ve now lost 6 pounds in the past two weeks. One good thing is the ability to maintain my exercise - the only way I have absolute personal control over myself. I don’t know who to talk to, what to do - my stomach is in a giant knot all the time. I live in a place where I have many acquaintances but no real friends to talk to. My family is in another state and I just don’t think it’s in my best interest to get in the car and leave. We have a pretty complicated financial situation that will take some time to dissolve. I don’t know where to start.

I feel like I need to talk to someone of faith - a Christian counselor or something. I know I need to see an attorney, but that is overwhelming to me.

Any help or words of encouragment would be so much appreciated right now. I’ve only been a member of MTM for a few months, but so many of you have offered your support in the past and I don’t know where to turn.

Cindy,
I am sending you postive thoughts and a great big ((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))).  I am so sorry to hear about your husband not wanting to stay married to you.  First off, keep up your exercise program, I am in a situation right now where my dad is fighting for his life and my daily exercise has helped me to cope with it.  Even if it is just going for a walk, keep it up.  Secondly, this is important, build up a support group of people that you can talk with.  See if your local church has a support group for people who are going through divorce or see if the town you live in has a support group.  Somtimes counselors may have this information as well.  Ask around and you will find a wealth of information, people who will be able to give you the needed assistance.  Also sometimes the local church may have grief counselors on hand that would be willing to lend an ear as well.  Keep a notebook on hand so you can write down all needed questions about going through your divorce, that way you will not forget the questions you want to ask.  You have a long journey ahead of you, but remember to keep on taking those steps.  Also another thing to do is make up some daily mentras for yourself and say them to yourself daily to help build up your self confidence.  Well, I hope this helps for what it is worth.  Please keep us posted, we want to support you here at MTM so you continue moving your life in a good direction.  This maybe the beginning of a new interesting journey that may bring you to a new place in life.  Again I am so sorry to hear about this!! 

Scooby

My heart goes out to you - to be all alone with no one close to turn to - you are in my thoughts and prayers.
What a devastating shock - I can’t imagine how you are feeling or how you are coping -I’ve never been through a divorce so I can’t help you there - I am thinking about you though…

Oh Cindy!  What a horrible shock you’ve had. 

I can only say that Scooby had some great suggestions - start with the pastor of your church and reach out for some local support.  I’m sure there’s more than you know.

We’re all here for you, but there is nothing like having someone right there to talk to.

Wow, I felt that in my heart. Firstly I am very sorry about your marriage of nearly two decades ending. I’ve seen a lot of divorce and such situations in my family and it’s never been easy for anyone. I will echo what Scoob said about continuing your exercise program as you are. It will release a lot of the stress and get your mind off of it a bit(as much as that is possible, anyway). We’ve all seen that people, upon getting a divorce, sometimes let go of themselves. So it’s very encouraging to hear that you have continued your exercise routine, because that can only make you feel better.

I feel for you, not having any close friends in your immediate area that you can really open up to about this. There is generally always resources available as far as christian counseling goes. Aswell as general counselers/psychologists. And whichever you choose, I think you should go with your feeling on this, either would be a benefit to you in what I imagine is a very trying time.

If you have a Bible, I’ve found for myself that there are many consoling and uplifting stories and pieces of advice in it.

Cindy,

I’m so sorry to read of your current problems. My heart goes out to you.

Please know that you have come to the right place and of course it is fine for you to vent, discuss, rant about this here. We are all here for you so go for your life. I’m not sure how your system works in the US with help, so I’ll leave that to other members to make suggestions.

The one thing I will say is please, please, please take care of yourself. You deserve to be healthy and fit so keep eating well and exercising.

You are in my prayers, Cindy.

Cindy,
One other thing I just thought of that is a great resource and has lots of free material is your local library!!  When you are ready for it, I am sure you can find lots of great resources that will address the issues that a newly divorced person would face!!!  Also you can search on the Internet for support groups as well.  Again my heart goes out to you during this time.  I will pray for you and send many positive thoughts your way.  Take good care of yourself during this time!!!

Scooby

Wow - thank you to all of you for your kind and consoling words. I can almost feel the hugs from each of you. Right now that means so much to me - to feel that there are caring people who only want the best for me. Unfortunately, I am thinking mostly negative thoughts because this possible divorce is not of my choice.

I am married to someone who seems to be going through a midlife crisis of some kind, unwilling to seek outside help. I have found one very helpful friend who has a background in counseling and she spent several hours with me asking questions to give me direction. Yesterday, I got in the car and drove 100 miles to my brother and SIL’s summer home. They welcomed me in and listened to my news with the same shock I had when I first learned. It was good to be with family if even for a short time. They have assured me of their love and offered support in any way possible.

I think the best thing for me now is to try and make my days be as normal and routine as possible and not focus too much on all the drama surrounding me. I run in the morning, even if it is with tears streaming down my face. Since I am retired, the days can seem long and the nights even longer.

The suggestion of the library (or bookstore) is a good idea so I can try to learn how things got to where they are. My counseling friend labeled me as an ultimate care-giver personality. I asked her “so why is that a bad thing? and she replied, “look where it landed you!”.

I’ll take each day one at a time and thank you again for all of your support.

I’m glad you found someone experienced in counseling to talk to about this, that’s absolutely invaluable.

You have a really good attitude about this. While no one will be unphased in such circumstances, you can always take on a positive attitude about things. It sounds like you’re demonstrating this truth right now.

And you are right. One thing I’ve found to be true is that having nothing to do creates drama. Or at least reminds us that it’s there.

Cindy,

It’s so good to hear you found a supportive person to help counsel you.  And equally good that you were able to go to stay with your family a while.  There’s nothing like being surrounded by people who love you to get you through this.

You’re very wise to try and keep your daily routine as “normal” as possible.  I’m sure you’ll find the daily exercise will help you deal with the stress you’re going through.

Keep us posted and let us know how we can help.

I just thought of another thing to do to help you out.  This idea is going to be a little different than the others, but I am hoping it may help.  Maybe start an evening routine of listening to relaxing music to help you get some good sleep.  I am guessing that your sleep patterns might be disrupted by what is going on in your life.  Try listening to Scott’s “Guided Motivation” and then follow it up with more relaxing music.  If you need free music, check out these two podcasts; “Music for Massage” and “The Chillcast with Anji Bee”.  I believe in the soothing powers of relaxing music to help people get a good night of rest.  While listening to the music try to calm your mind down and let the problems of the day go by the way side.  I know, easier said than down.  I know this idea is a little different than the others, but my thinking is that if you are not getting good quality sleep this will affect the other areas of your life. 

Well here is to good quality sleep,

Scooby

Cindy

I just caught up with this thread.  My thoughts are with you during this time.  I went through a similar experience with the person I thought would be my life partner.  The separation and divorce diet isn’t the healthiest way to lose weight. 

People here will offer great support.  I’m glad you have a friend who can and will offer you advice, even he stuff you don’t want to hear.  Feel free to post here and if it helps, you may also want to start a journal thread.  Brain dumps can be very healing.

Thanks for the kind thoughts and direction, Paula. As you know, the roller coaster of emotions is about enough to put you over the edge, but I am holding on carefully. I think the more I talk about the situation, the more I convince myself that it may have been for the best. There have been several times before this that I should have listened to my instinct but denied that bad feeling in my stomach. This time seems like I would be just plain stupid to continue taking the disrespect shown to me over the past years. I maintain my positive attitude, interspersed with anger (not a normal thing to me), crying (it seems to release alot of negative energy) and last but not least - my resolve to be strong.

I am also trying to remind myself of the tag line below my signature. It was what got me through losing 90 pounds and that was a struggle that took a long time to see results. Maybe this life event is my next hurdle to overcome, with the knowledge that things can happen for a reason.

I think you are right, Cindy.

Sometimes we get aspects of our life in order and maybe it is so we can deal with the next thing that happens. There will be many stages to go through with this because you will grieve the loss of the relationship and the dream of being married to the same person for the rest of your life. Anger is part of that process, whether we like it or not.

Please vent as much as you like. This is a safe place.

Cindy,
Still sending good thoughts your way.  Have not heard from you in a while so hopefully all is going well for you.  When you get a chance drop on by and let us know how things are going for you.  Take care and if you need support we are here for you. 

Scooby

Dear Scooby and All,

Thank you so much for thinking of me. Unfortunately, things are not improved, but over the last few days I have further convinced myself that although there is a path in front of me that will be long and hard, I know I’m strong enough to make it. These weeks have been so draining on me and I become exhausted playing and replaying events in my mind. I’ve been able to talk to a few people but part of me feels it is not fair to jeopardize their time by constantly focusing on my troubles.

Every day brings some new tidbit of knowledge or event to add to the turmoil. We have had my my husband’s family visiting this week and then picked up my grandkids from church camp earlier this week. Tomorrow I am driving the kids home (by myself) and plan to spend the next 4-5 days away from here to clear my head. My husband and I have agreed to disagree until I return and then we will make some decisions.

I continue to get so much strength from this group and look forward to one day being able to repay my gratitude to someone else going through a difficult time.