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Well, I have finally gotten some time(and energy) to create this journal. It really is touching that people want to hear about my life.
In regards to what I mentioned in my exercise thread: Well, the short version of the story is that my mother fell in love with a man and married him two months after meeting. He never committed to loving her, but she wanted so bad for this to be something from above. So she decided that, although she wasn’t sure if he loved her or not, love would eventually grow(I personally would argue against that school of thought). Well, there was a brief scare at the very beginning and it was looking like we were going to leave. But they patched things up, and we stayed. And then last night my mother told me in the car(on our way to work) that during a talk she and him went over all the issues. He confessed that he still doesn’t know that he loves her, and that he still has feelings for his deceased wife(who died of old age a year beforehand, he’s 81 years old), and that crushed my heart. Because what it does is confirm what I’ve known and lived in fear of since the beginning(a year ago next month). I feel like he lied and decieved his way into getting someone to be around to take care of him(though he is quite tickled by the delusion that he somehow pulled a “widow and orphan” out of the pits of hell. When in fact, we were doing fine for ourselves. And apparently she layed that fact out on the line. That she doesn’t need him, especially since he’s too selfish about his own income to want to pay a fair share of the bills. Of course, it’s turned out that many times he’s been forced to, because life throws financial curveballs all the time. He doesn’t think rationally about money, because he is, as lightly as I can put it, mentally challenged. He’s an old man, what can you say? All of our issues couldn’t be described so well here, it’s painful, and apparently most of it won’t ever be resolved because you are dealing with a person who won’t change and is at the end of his life.
So basically, here I am, trying to pull myself out of the quicksand, seeing what’s been done to my mother, and just trying for the life of me to keep my head above water and see this through. I need to keep moving, but I can’t just depart from the whole situation. I’m too deeply involved. My mother tells me that I have to keep moving forward and focus on my own goals—and she can just deal with her problems. But I am so tired of him trying to make me feel bad for no reason, and blaming everything bad that happens on me(which he admitted to to my mother), making it hard for me to feel like I’m going to have consistency with my new lifestyle. The money thing can be summed up in one sentence, really: He doesn’t want or understand why his expenses have changed so dramatically since he took on two people as a family. That hurts, it hurts to feel blamed, rejected, the third wheel, the extra dollar signs.
I don’t want to tell a sob story, this isn’t meant as a “poor me” tale, an excuse to give up or something of that nature. No, I know now more than ever that I must persevere, I must keep moving. My mother has committed time and time again to supporting me in what ways she is capable. I once told her on a walk that she inspires me, and she was surprised. Yeah, we aren’t perfect, but our own ability to inspire others in various ways can be what makes us wonderful as human beings. She believes in me, and there’s very few people in my life who do.
I am at a point right now where my endurance and life energy will be put to the test. I have a lot of weight to lose, and a number of other big personal goals, and I cannot afford to stall again. I can’t go back there, and I won’t. Not now, not 6 months from now, not ever.
You have much to overcome, young one. But overcome you can. Yes, I said that in my best Yoda voice, in my head, does that make me crazy? Anyway, I love how you’ve opened up and shared that with us. It’s an incredible first step. I don’t see it as a pity me story, but as a factual representation of what’s up in your life right now. I’m always throwing out the good, bad and ugly on here. It affects how we act, how we feel, and so how we post. It’s amazing what comes back to you when you throw it all out there. (OK, maybe a smart remark from a short blond, but maybe next time it’ll be better. hehe)
I hope your mom doesn’t feel stuck there. That is a hopeless feeling. I’m glad she has you to tell her differently.
Yeah, we aren’t perfect, but our own ability to inspire others in various ways can be what makes us wonderful as human beings. She believes in me, and there’s very few people in my life who do.
I am at a point right now where my endurance and life energy will be put to the test. I have a lot of weight to lose, and a number of other big personal goals, and I cannot afford to stall again. I can’t go back there, and I won’t. Not now, not 6 months from now, not ever.
I will keep moving. And I won’t ever look back.
Wow, with that kinda of fire, I believe in you. You’ve got everything you need to get what you want. You’ve got that fire. Keep it going
Brandon,
Do not let anybody make you feel like a liability, you work,you contribute and you are trying to change. If he cannot see what kind of person you are, he has one other problem, he is blind.Your mother sound like a very courageous woman, and I think you have chosen well as fr as role models .Brandon this is between your mom and this man,do not get involved but support your Mom.Brandon show that guy what kind of man you are by conducting yourself with poise and honor, and he can say and do no wrong to you. I think, no, I know you can beat this weight thing,you have the will, you have the drive,you will succseed.
Thank you all for your wonderful words of encouragement and fantastic advice!
Today, although it was one of my rest days, was a pretty good day in terms of eating. For breakfast I had gorilla munch(one of my favorite cereals from the heatlh food store I frequent) in organic rice milk, which I adore. For lunch I had, haha, a 220 calorie bag of corn chips(not like nacho ones, the little ring/strip ones) and a chicken thigh that was left over from what they ate for dinner last night. My mid-day snack was a bunch of strawberry’s and two granny smith apples. Also a one litre bottle of water with that. Dinner was a salad with my beloved organic caesar dressing. Some family came over and they had hamburgers and fries, and then carrot cake. I could’ve cared LESS! Muwhahahaha, it’s so not worth it. I’ve had enough days where I’ve had a little something I want anyway, so I don’t feel deprived whatsoever. It’s been 5 weeks now, and I still feel like this way of looking at food is really working out for me. I’m burning a pound a week in exercise at this point, and my caloric intake has been well under maintenance level, which should make a healthy 2lb weight loss a week. All the ducks are in their rows, and my gun’s loaded!
I just caught up on this thread and thank you for sharing your story. It’s not a “poor me” tail. It’s a factual representation of circumstances that are in your life and a reality that you must deal with. It’s wonderful that your mother supports you and that you are there for her. Don’t let anyone put you down. The people who resort to attempting to put others down is just their misguided way of building themselves up. Just rise above it and don’t let it affect you. You know the kind of person you are, so does your mom, and now so do we. Let us know when things start to get to you. We’ll all be here to support you not only in your journey to health and fitness but also in having the life of your dreams. You deserve it.
"All the ducks are in their rows, and my gun’s loaded!” That is so awesome. I feel the power of conviction in your posts. You are awesome, and it sounds like you feel that. I hope you do.
Today, although it was one of my rest days, was a pretty good day in terms of eating. For breakfast I had gorilla munch(one of my favorite cereals from the heatlh food store I frequent) in organic rice milk, which I adore. For lunch I had, haha, a 220 calorie bag of corn chips(not like nacho ones, the little ring/strip ones) and a chicken thigh that was left over from what they ate for dinner last night. My mid-day snack was a bunch of strawberry’s and two granny smith apples. Also a one litre bottle of water with that. Dinner was a salad with my beloved organic caesar dressing.
Wow Brandon… welcome to the forum and I can feel your sense of calm focused determination!
I read your eating log for yesterday and would just like to offer a suggestion that may help you manage your diet. It looks very “high carb” and would suggest incorporating more protein (balance protein with carbs… for example, instead of strawberries and apples, have a strawberry or an apple plus a piece of chicken, or a piece of string cheese, or some low fat cottage cheese). I used to do the exact same thing you are doing and found that my hunger was much better controlled if I incorporated some protein with every meal/snack.
Way to go in avoiding the hamburger, fries, and carrot cake… you are not missing much other than a bunch of empty calories! Also, I definitely like how you are eating smaller meals but also having a snack or two between meals… that also ensures that your hunger will be controlled.
I am looking forward to hear more about your journey…
I concour, with my guinea pig buddy Tim, more protien especially vegtable protiens found in soy amongst other things, you will be full longer, be carful with that organic stuff, it just means the ingredients are higher quality not lower calorie. Your Doing great!
Today was a fantastic day! I didn’t eat that well, but I kept within my caloric limits considering the activities of the day. I had church in the morning, and I hadn’t gotten time to eat before leaving. I hung around my sister’s house messing around with her on her media center, and then she didn’t really have anything to feed me(not a HUGE fan of wasa crackers, I gotta say) so we went to Mcdonalds. That was at least 1200 calories(I’m still iffy if I want to try their salads but that probably would have been a better option), and my dinner(which I had to eat really late because I didn’t want to do fast food again) was around 800. It was just a cucumber mixed with dressing, parmesan, and beef strips. I didn’t get any fruit in today, but that’s alright, I’ll make up for it tomorrow!
Secondly, thank you all for your wonderful encouragement and kind sentiments!
Wow Brandon… welcome to the forum and I can feel your sense of calm focused determination!
I read your eating log for yesterday and would just like to offer a suggestion that may help you manage your diet. It looks very “high carb” and would suggest incorporating more protein (balance protein with carbs… for example, instead of strawberries and apples, have a strawberry or an apple plus a piece of chicken, or a piece of string cheese, or some low fat cottage cheese). I used to do the exact same thing you are doing and found that my hunger was much better controlled if I incorporated some protein with every meal/snack.
Way to go in avoiding the hamburger, fries, and carrot cake… you are not missing much other than a bunch of empty calories! Also, I definitely like how you are eating smaller meals but also having a snack or two between meals… that also ensures that your hunger will be controlled.
I am looking forward to hear more about your journey…
Hey Clay, nice to meet you!
I’ve actually been battling with myself over how much protein I consume. Usually I eat more protein in a day than carbs. But I’ve been kinda wrestling around with it. So a few days here and there have been higher carb. But I’m going to look for more protein sources other than meat. I will add more protein to my diet. Hey, it’ll expand my menu! Although, I try to avoid putting fruit with meat. Fruit is a cleanser, it’s better eaten on an empty stomach. I’ve found that to be true, because generally I get an upset stomach if I mix my fruit.
Indeed, eating smaller meals and having snacks inbetween is definitely something I’m working on right now. It’s a big change for me, because I used to go all day without eating and then eat a couple thousand calories or so in the evening. That’s one of the worst things you can do for your blood sugar and weight.
Great advice, I will take it and use it!
I concour, with my guinea pig buddy Tim, more protien especially vegtable protiens found in soy amongst other things, you will be full longer, be carful with that organic stuff, it just means the ingredients are higher quality not lower calorie. Your Doing great!
That’s a good point. I read all the labels, organic or no.
I had a couple guinea pigs(one was albino) that lived in my backyard some years back. Endearing creatures.
That’s cool, Brandon… it is good to hear that you understand your body and are trying to figure out what works best for you. Ultimately, you’ll be able to absorb all of the advice and determine what you need to do to get the results you want. It looks like you are off to a good start… being aware of what you are eating (even if you go to McDonald’s) is a definite step in the right direction.
Brandon, you could always try turkey, loads of protien and very lean. There is also fish and chicken. Soy theres lots of stuff, tofu(there is a great tofu desert made by uni-soy out of Vancouver),edamame(raw soy beans), dry soy nuts.
I’m going to do my best to avoid fast food restaurants. I’ve only done it a few times in the past 5 weeks, but I would like to cut that down even so. It’s been a convenience/circumstantial thing. What I am going to do from now on is bring my own food. That way I’m not filling up on empty calories and chemicals that my body cannot deal with.
Today I was at my brother’s, so it was basically what he had. For breakfast, I had yogurt and a nut bar(not a really junky one). And I remember I had some bufallo wings and potatoes/ceasar salad for dinner. My caloric intake was 1600 for the entire day, so I felt I did not too bad today. I had no idea I’d be staying all day, so I didn’t get my fruit or what I’d normally eat.
Another good and fulfilling day passes, and soon, I shall rest.
I don’t have a Target here, but it’s good to see that it’s in a good price range. So maybe if I look around town, I’ll find it!
Thanks!
Well I’m happy to say that today has been a good day. We switched work to mornings so we don’t do it at night anymore. The regional supervisor was in whipping everyone(including the manager) into shape. It’s hilarious because most people there don’t seem to do much. It’s all me and mom really working. I used to think it was a very good deal, but for 6+ hours a week, THEY SHOULD BE PAYING US MORE. So I’ve already burned my calories for today, and now I’m just waiting for the clouds to stop crowding my rays, yo!
