I finally feel just about 100% back from the flu-or-whatever. Last night was the “return of the killer workout” at the gym, and today was a big hectic day at work. I even got my exercise in at the office, as the upstairs copier was almost out of toner, so since I print my reports by section and copy while I work on the next one, I made myriad trips up and down the stairs using the downstairs photocopier. If only I hadn’t worn wedge sandals, it would have been a less clunky ‘workout.’

Told my friend Jim about my nearly 2 1/2 hours working out last night, and he gave me the usual encouraging words, then added that I might want to check out an article on Tabata interval training (http://www.squidoo.com/tabatatraining), which features short intense periods of exercise followed by shorter rest periods… 20 seconds on and 10 seconds off. I would like to try this. My only qualms are not being fit enough for really intense exercise, and the impact and increased risk of injury due to the speed—not placing myself correctly, etc. I figure I’m going to try this first on a stationary bike.

I know, I just said abs were going to be my focus in the 100 days thread. Well, I need to start working abs every day anyway, but that doesn’t need to be high intensity. I actually think I improve better with slower, stronger ab work anyway.

Applied a light self-tanning lotion last night, and my legs already look better to me. I don’t want to get dark, just even and golden is fine.

Saturday afternoon… I just woke up from a LONG afternoon nap, after my double exercise class, as noted in my 100 days thread. Taking inventory: I had one really bad night’s sleep on Tuesday before my trip. Slept well since, so my need for that much rest must have been a combination of the extra exercise I’ve taken on, and a bit of stress this week, and the lack of caffeine this morning due to forgetting my wallet and having to forego my Starbucks weekly treat on the way home from class. (Will those girls even know me if I don’t come in all sweaty and ponytailed?) I was finally going to treat myself to one of the lower-calorie, lower-fat Frappucchinos too. Haven’t had a frap since I started my diet. Not that skinny lattes with sugar free syrup aren’t also a treat.

Been feeling slightly pessimistic lately; while I was out of the office Wed and Thu, seven people were let go by the new owners, and other locations were hit much harder but among the folks who were let go were people here long before me. The weird thing was, this was all done while I was on my days off, and Friday, no one officially gave me the news, I heard it in the ladies’ room. My supervisor was away on business and there was no Email.  People tell me my job is safe, but I have been grasping that there isn’t much future for me long-term, if I want to move up, make more money, etc. I haven’t been really clear on what direction I want my career to take, but I think I have a knack for working with data, and I’d like to get some classes in database design. I’m pretty much self-taught in all computer applications, and I can goof around in Access but I’d really like to learn a little formally. I have about 3 1/2 years of college and no degree, due to having really balked at the prospect of teaching with my first school practicum at 21, and deciding just to work. I never really decided what I would get a degree in if I went back, though I kicked it around several times over the years. At my age, not having the degree seems to matter more than when I was content to have basic low-paying clerical jobs or sales jobs and not worry about my future because I was a young Bohemian. (I describe myself these days as a recovering Bohemian.)

You’re doing a typical female thing and putting yourself in her shoes. Well, her shoes suck, so knock it off! You aren’t doing either of you any favors, and I do believe there is some almost satisfaction in getting someone to misbehave. What I would (hope I could) do when you’re with her, be extra good. Show her how possible it is, and how satisfied you can still be. Don’t say anything, just do it and be yourself. She’ll let up on trying to get you to misbehave.

Bree

Bree - 21 June 2008 09:24 PM

You’re doing a typical female thing and putting yourself in her shoes. Well, her shoes suck, so knock it off! You aren’t doing either of you any favors, and I do believe there is some almost satisfaction in getting someone to misbehave. What I would (hope I could) do when you’re with her, be extra good. Show her how possible it is, and how satisfied you can still be. Don’t say anything, just do it and be yourself. She’ll let up on trying to get you to misbehave.

Thanks, Bree. That’s a lot to think about.  Your advice makes sense. Instead of ‘saving up’ a few extra calories when I know I’m going to blow them when I’m visiting her, I’ll just maintain my calorie count and be up front about it. We’ve simply got to ingrain in ourselves that hanging out together doesn’t have to revolve around restaurants, too.

I thought about the rationalizing… I had to remember that she’s had a lifetime of her mom making her feel bad about her weight. The rationalizing is an extension of that dialogue. Hey, we all know when we could have made a healthier choice of meal, we don’t need twenty diet books to teach us that.

I’ve also gotten off the habit of logging my food in Daily Plate, for about a month now (stopped during those weekends when I was visiting her and doing the theater festival.) I feel I’ve been fairly faithful to my normal eating habits, though after the flu I was eating more carbs for a while, hard to get off that wagon. I’m going to log in yesterday’s foods, and then keep track of today’s. It’s a start. My weight’s been fairly steady (I’m one pound down from before the flu). But I can’t slack off. Maybe once I master that idea, the time spent with my friend won’t be as much of a problem.  Meanwhile, due to that tension and the work situation, I find myself wanting all kinds of bad foods. So far, just wanting them. I had planned to tackle the cravings today with a long walk up and down the beach, but it’s overcast and thunderstorms are predicted. I may still go and just not walk as far so I can turn around and make a dash for my car. The beach won’t be as crowded. It’ll still be kind of nice. Bare feet, legs in the waves. It’s a whirlpool for tight muscles.

Wow Anne - you’ve been under some big stresses too.  I really hope you don’t join the un-employed club that I am currently a member of. 

You sound like you have a good handle on your food choices and I suggest having a plan when you visit your friend.  Maybe take some groceries with you so you can eat-in and have planned snacks available so you are less likely to eat out.  The donut episode is one of those blips that will only have short term effects.  Good job for recognizing that it was stress eating. 

Take Care
C.

Thanks, Catherine. Good suggestions. I think that between the price of gas, and going away for the weekend disrupting my exercise routine (there’s no Powerhouse Gym in the Orlando area closer than Apopka, which isn’t convenient), the overeating issues, and the fact that my other friend Jim is about to travel up to Rhode Island for most of the summer, perhaps my summer visits won’t be as frequent. But I will try to formulate a better plan for eating and exercising while I am there, and if it means sitting in a restaurant and drinking water or tea while my friend eats, so be it.

As it is, I feel really good about my weekend at home. Had means, motive and opportunity to go to the gym Friday night and this evening, to Jazzercise Saturday morning, to do a little beach walking, splashing in the waves, and lying in the ‘haze’ which passed for sun today. I do miss my friends, but alone time is nice too, especially while I’m brooding over things.

I think my job is safe for the short-term. I’m just not taking the long-term for granted. If anyone here is a database specialist, I’d love some advice about ramping up my skills, getting some qualifications that apply to the world outside television, etc.

Yesterday morning made a trip to the supermarket before work, so I’m stocked for the week with salad ingredients, some chicken, cottage cheese, egg substitute, and some Kashi Cocoa Beach cereal, which is yummy and expensive enough to remind me to measure the serving.

For some reason I’m sore as heck today… glutes, hamstrings, all down my back too. It may be the combination of the gym work on Sunday night and my class yesterday, wherein I did some really deep lunges and pliés. I’ll have to ask the instructor if her new set made her sore too. It’s not miserable, but odd to be so sore all over without doing something extraordinary. It did wake me up a few times.

I’m pleased to note I’m down another pound. I also readjusted my Daily Plate settings to show my normal non-exercise activity level as “sedentary” which has shaved a few calories off my daily allowance. Saw a woman at class last night who hasn’t been there in ages. She exclaimed, ‘You’re half the woman you were the last time I saw you!” I laughed. It hasn’t been that drastic a change. Has it? I still think that building up my arms and shoulders has really helped give me the illusion that I’ve made my hips smaller.

So, I’m having a little visit with the green-eyed monster.  The man in question isn’t involved with me, but I still hate that someone else is suddenly gaga over him—and is younger and prettier than I am. In three days I’ll feel better and hopefully I’ll just have muscle soreness to kvetch about!

Hi Ann, long time no chat with you.  I see life is giving you another shove.  Shove back ... gently.  You’ve been working out and probably pack quite a wallop. 

BTW ... You shouldn’t waste time with someone that doesn’t want to be with you.  You are too great for that.  I think it’s cute that you have a crush.  Means you are not just alive, but “living”.  I remember a Daily Boost that said something about asking for what you want.  I don’t want to meddle or give advice out of my league, but ... 

Control what you can control, and learn to accept what you can’t.

Thanks, Derek. Yes, I was being silly. As it happened, today was kind of therapeutic on that score.  I think I never quite gave up thinking we had this deep and special connection.  I have now. As for not wasting time with someone who’s not right, that’s always really been my philosophy, and it means I’ve lived most of my life without a boyfriend, only one which made it past the one-year mark, and that was some time ago. Last year, when I learned of some medical problems, I really got a bit freaked out, realizing I was getting older and completely on my own—no mother, no sister, no significant other, having to have a friend fly in to be with me when I eventually have that procedure done. I think it made me ponder being alone and threw me off track for a bit. So did the attention from the fellow who shouldn’t have been paying it.

It’s really amazing to find out what feelings you’ve been hanging onto. I think this whole episode was just a crutch to get me through a lonely time. I’ll be fine, thanks.

The fourth of July. An amazing day, really, full of revelations I did not expect, and a few I did.

I had a phenomenal conversation with a stranger which I detailed in my 100 days thread for some reason, as it went with the class preceding it. I then had a two-hour no-BS session with a former boss who not only was wowed by my physical changes, but my energy and spiritual changes. And we had a very frank discussion about our business, in which I learned some valuable things and got a lot of encouragement about how far I might be able to go, when I thought I was kind of hitting a low, cheap ceiling. It’s amazing how little perspective I can have about myself sometimes, yet how much I feel I am intuitive about others sometimes.

So, I had a bit of a chat with my friend with whom I had some tension regarding our eating choices while together. The air was cleared and she admits there’s a problem there too.  I mentioned the podcasts from here, thinking maybe the MTM message would be clarifying and reinforcing for her. The thing is, and I realize this sounds less than genuine, I think I need to delete the above message where I was discussing my feelings about her behavior, in case (and in the hope that) she might want to join the boards. I wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings, and we did discuss it finally, I just needed to process it for myself first.

I had an amazing day yesterday. Today wasn’t bad so far either. I went to the 8am class, started to feel I was running out of steam though and didn’t do the double. I got some food instead and some coffee. I didn’t eat enough yesterday, was too busy and processing stuff, and it caught up with me.

Hey I just noticed the post at the top of this page where you included a link to tabata training.  THANKS!!  I have just learned about those recently and am interested in them too - the benefits are great for fat loss.  I also read about your doubts that you are fit enough to try them.  Would you quit it already - of course you are!!  Do what YOU can.  Pick an exercise you think you could maintain and start there - then as you gain strength and confidence you’ll be able to do something even more vigirous!!  I think starting out on the bike is a great idea.

Thanks, Catherine! I haven’t done anything with this information yet. I can only conclude that I am (a) too lazy to take up my exercise level to that intensity; (b) a bit afraid of injury and/or overdoing it and/or having a hard time pushing myself to my absolute limits; (c) comfortable with my current routine. It makes it hard to make changes when I seem to be concerned about having something left for the next day. I’ll have to work on that, mentally and physically.

Perhaps one’s style of exercise tends to mirror one’s other personality traits. I know that I’m not a lion or a gazelle. I’m really a lot like my zodiac sign, the Bull (though I don’t follow my horoscope, except occasionally for a laugh) in that the biggest asset I have brought to this challenge of getting fit is my determination. Maybe that’s why I’ve gravitated to the Jazzercise routine, where I’m not only a bit social but also dependable, and my gym nights, where I get to get lost in my thoughts and music for a good two hours or so. Someone asked me this week whether I liked exercise now. I thought, well, how to separate liking the results of exercise from doing it itself? That’s when I realized I’d picked styles and scenarios that have nourished me, the participatory and the contemplative sides of me.  Right now I can embrace the practicality of the Tabatas technique, but I haven’t been drawn to it. I hope that makes sense.

Maybe it’s a comfort zone that I just have to get out of. Again

Friday night, and it seems like a good time to take a little inventory. I forgot to get on the scale the past few mornings, but judging by my evening weight, I’m hovering within a pound or two. I worked out every evening this week till tonight. Food intake was pretty good, a little more variety than usual. I did have a small piece of cake today at work (too sweet!) which was for someone’s retirement.

Rest has not been great. I’ve been consciously staying up a little later, doing stuff, then either have trouble falling, or wake up during the night, or just don’t feel that rested. I feel I’m in a pretty good place, certainly much better than last week’s jealousy and so forth. There’s a lot up in the air in my life, but I should be able to shake it. I’m watching my caffeine more carefully. I think I just got off kilter due to some naps over the holiday weekend.

I’ve been trying to keep that great feeling, that epiphany of last weekend, going. I really do feel better about myself, physically and spiritually. I look forward to looking glowing tomorrow when I see some former coworkers at the retirement shindig. I finally made that appointment for contact lenses.

Muscles have been a bit sore, but I know all those lunges and squats are paying off because I can feel the difference. I want to have a shapely derriere, and I’m working hard to make it so. My baby-steps into high intensity intervals, on the elliptical, have been tough but I think it’s one reason I feel so wiped out—it’s taking me to a new level of exertion, and I don’t love it but it’s important.

So all in all, she says convincingly, I’m pretty good. Still some pangs of self-doubt, and when I have down time, I feel the loss of—well, of my imaginary boyfriend, of that idea that I’m wanted.  It’s different now, though. I don’t feel unworthy.  Well, I’m off to treat my hair right, with a deep conditioning treatment. Longer hair is lots more work!