Thanks, Eileen!  I definitely feel happy about some progress in many areas. A bit baffled at how my health insurance works. I had elected to do a flexible spending account for the first time ever (I rarely go to the doctor normally) anticipating having to have my ovarian tumors (benign) removed. So a set amount comes out every check. Well, this past week or so I got a bunch of mail from the insurer, and I finally got around to opening and working through it. The only doc I’ve seen is my chiro, and I pay a $35 copay and after a deductible was met, insurance kicked in. Well, apparently so did the flex spending, which has now reimbursed me, in checks ranging from $1.32 to $330, some of the copay money. I wasn’t expecting that and didn’t think anything would go through that without my sending stuff in. So now I have money but it won’t be set aside for when I need it later; I’ll have to just not blow it. Weird. OTOH, the initial copays when I was going every day did run up my Visa and I’ve been pinching pennies to pay it off as soon as possible. I guess it all works out.

I’m enjoying things being cleaner and neater. I’m not finished yet and this week I’m so short on time—will be spending the entire weekend helping facilitate a workshop for 20 teenage boys through a volunteer organization. It’s a real test of my skills, I guess, and I hope it goes well. But no time for cleaning, or even Jazzercise or worship or relaxing, this weekend! I’ll try to hit the gym, lightly, fairly late Friday and on Sunday evening. Too bad, as Saturday would have been my 75th class so far this year at Jazzercise. I have more than anyone else at the center, I think. People think I really want the bronze handbag they’re giving out for 150 classes completed. That’ll be nice but I’m just pleased I’m getting five in per week because I still love doing it.

Strange new soreness… my arms are pretty good but I can definitely feel it from the pec fly work I did Wednesday, around my armpits and just above my bust. Usually I stretch out the sore muscles, but I can’t see myself doing ‘boob stretches’ in the office! It’s not that bad, and I don’t raise my hands in the air that often.  Funny how soreness is a sort of pleasant badge of honor unless it’s so extreme it prevents you from doing something you need to do—like the next workout. Tonight will be the third straight Friday of the leg/hip routine and I can feel the difference in my legs already. Will have to keep the cardio short and sweet tonight because it’ll be a late workout as it is, and I need a good rest before the all-day volunteer session with the boys.Is it my imagination or are these jeans, which were a snug fit when new in January, a little loose now?

Sigh. I got so wiped out and stressed out with the weekend workshop that I ate all kinds of stuff I normally don’t eat. Some of it was “because it was there”—the snacks and meals weren’t the healthiest, and some was definitely my choice, like McDonald’s on the way home Saturday. It’s not the end of the world but it really does remind me how easy it is to slip into bad habits sometimes. 

I did hit the gym Friday and Sunday, but mostly to do the weights and machines. I spent less time on cardio due to being so tired. And of course had to miss my double class Saturday morning. I’m sure I’ll get back into the groove, and I can really feel a difference in my arms, legs, chest and shoulders since I have been doing more targeted resistance. I spotted some back extension machines and a rowing machine, so I’ll be adding those Wednesday. I’m still bummed about my iPod but haven’t given up total hope that it was turned in.

Seems like my life is full of ups and downs lately. I’ve been busy, and that’s good, but a bit stressed due the amount of work. I was exercising quite hard and frequently, but I could feel myself getting a bit worn out (especially evident yesterday morning) and decided to give myself a rest day. I am noticing myself doing flaky things more frequently, like today setting off for the potluck without the directions (and unable to access AOL email from my phone, kept getting a page not available error!) so I had to drive around a bit when my memory of last year’s trip went blank. It’s just little stuff but I’m more dependent on Outlook reminders at work and notes than I ever was. Again I figure it’s being busy and somewhat distracted.

The focus on diet, exercise, and overall fitness takes up such a big block of my life these days. As I commented recently I feel I’m certainly working twice as hard as last May, and getting one-eighth the progress. On the other hand, I’m relieved I haven’t ‘given up’ because I think not getting to my goal would be very bad for me. It’ll be hard enough to find the right balance to ‘maintain,’ and even though my brain knows there is no finish line to this thing, I know that emotionally I’m going to want to “have my cake and eat it too” once I hit my goal, and I will have to be vigilant and pragmatic when that time comes.

What is hard is feeling sort of stuck in the same place. I lose a pound or two only to see my weight balloon up and then slowly come back down—whether or not I’ve been overeating. Still, I know in the scant month I’ve been going to the gym I’ve become stronger. I’ve been able to up my hand weights for some activities. I don’t get as sore. I want to give it another week or two at the same intensity for most things before I start to increase either weight or reps. Actually I did increase the weight on the hamstring curl, but not much, and I had to back it back down to finish up.

What I hate is that these emotions come washing over me lately, like I’m about to cry, or there’s some deep dissatisfaction weighing me down. It passes. I am pretty sure it’s hormonal (mostly) and related to the ovarian problem. But I wonder whether there’s a seasonal component, as the weather starts to get so hot and humid that brisk outdoor walks will soon be too daunting and lunches on the lawn will be replaced by lunch in my office with the fluorescent lights off. Spring is so fleeting in Florida. Fortunately these moods do pass, and I can rationalize them pretty well. I suspect that the relatively restful weekend will help restore my spirit a little. Also the fun that is coming up this month—two weekends in Orlando, attending the Orlando Fringe Festival (performing arts) which has been part of my life since we started the festival in 1992. I was one of the founding volunteers. I spent a few years away, but returned last year and vowed to make it part of my May this year again.  It is great medicine to have something fun to look forward to. I had hoped to return to visit some friends in New York in June, but that seems less likely at the moment. Maybe August.

Since I seem disorganized in life, thought I’d just post this here so I can find it again. Just saw on a site that maximum heart rate should be based on 226 minus age for women, 220 for men. I’d been using 220 based on other information. Since I’m about to turn 45 I did this both ways. Woohoo! I can shave off a whole beat per minute after my birthday!!

Age 44 45
Max HR:  182 181
50% MHR:  91.0 90.5
60% MHR:  109.2 108.6
70% MHR:  127.4 126.7
80% MHR:  145.6 144.8

I’ve been noticing that on some days my starting heart rate (not quite completely resting, but before exercising) is lower than others, and some days I seem to have a hard time getting it up to target whereas others it is no problem. I guess this is a lot of things—rest, hydration, sodium, perhaps perceived intensity versus actual intensity—but I’ve been learning a lot. It’s really cool how moving the upper body on the treadmill can get the HR up 10-20 points easily. Sure, I look like a crazy person.  That’s part of the fun. Hey, if that’s my attitude, maybe I’m becoming less self-conscious at the gym! Some of the faces are looking familiar, which helps.

Ann, just out of curiosity, are you getting enough sleep? And you’re also describing menopause perfectly, is that part of the cause?

Sounds like you could really use a pampering vacation, I really hope the Fringe Festival does the trick! I’m with you on the spring changing to summer blahs. The heat really sucks any bit of energy right out of you. That’s something from the north that I miss, cooler summers. And the lack of humidity.

Bree

Bree, I was getting enough sleep, plenty of sleep, until recently. I find myself having a harder time staying asleep. Not every night, just some nights I wake up and have a hard time drifting back. It may be as simple as sleeping with the windows open (till it gets too hot) and it’s noisier.

As for menopause, yeah, sounds that way, though for me I am pretty sure it’s years too soon. I think the culprit is the ovarian tumors and a few other problems I have. I am noticing that when I work the abs hard, I seem to have what feels like a hormone imbalance the next day, and I think it might be related to the ‘aliens’ but it’s just a theory.

I suspect hanging out with my friends will help make me feel better. I get to be too much in my own head here, and I don’t quite have the deeper connections I have with my older friends two hours to the south. I feel better this evening,though, after class, after having some warmed up curried chickpeas over some jasmine rice and carrots, and I’m about to have a warm bath and try for an early night.

The supper sounds so yummy, and the bath simply delightful. Do you get into aromatherapy candles? I absolutely love them, not sure if they do exactly what “they” say, but I do love the flickering light and the pleasant smells.

Enjoy the festival, you really can never get too much time with friends.

Bree

I haven’t used aromatherapy exactly, but I do have some nice scented candles. Thanks for the reminder, just lit the lavender one for a bit. I also have a friend from another site who is a fragrance guru, and she occasionally sends me suggestions for stuff I might like. The latest is an Estee Lauder product, the Bronze Goddess fragrance spray oil. It’s got a great light summery scent, sort of beach-y fresh, and I love it. A little hit of that on my arms after my shower, and I’m off to bed feeling all comfy and calm.

I slept pretty well last night, with the windows open and it cooled off, is cooler tonight too. Still felt sluggish this afternoon, but not so moody or emotional. I hope I can really get a good long solid workout at the gym tomorrow and still feel good afterwards. That’s what I’m shooting for, at least.

Thanks, Bree, for checking in! Hope your aromatherapy candles are helping you unwind as you count down.

Just thought I’d leave a quick message, having just read through your journey. It’s really inspired me to start my own thread! It’s good to get the whole picture, because sometimes everyone is so positive in posts that I start wondering whether I’m the only one who has “weak” moments where I get the breadsticks and chocolate spread out.

You seem to be doing great though, especially with the weight loss, I’m really impressed! I see what you mean about getting too much in your own head, I get that too, that’s why I listen to MTM when I go to sleep and keep my ipod on all night. I’ve also started getting audiobooks to listen to while I fall asleep, though they should really let you listen to them before you buy them, because some narrators have nicer voices than others

Hope it’s all going well!

Hi, Nienke! Thanks. You know, it’s all a matter of perspective, isn’t it? I’ve come a long way, from 230 pounds to 155 or so. I think I was a lot less discontented before I owned a scale, really. And I suppose we all have our ‘bad’ days where we overindulge, either in celebration or in stress moments.  Exercise I’ve been pretty regular with. I just keep wondering whether I’m doing enough, or the right things. Same with food, really.

I bought an outfit at a resale shop in Orlando on my last trip down there. I haven’t worn it yet because I have to get the slacks hemmed. But I slipped it on this morning to see if I could get away with wearing it with the highest heels I have (no), and the slacks that were quite snug are now somewhat roomy. The top is a bit roomy too. I haven’t lost more than a pound, but I think my shape has been changing a little. The odd thing is i grabbed the tape measure before class again tonight and my bust, waist, and hips are the same. I think my body is an alien shape-shifter.

I agree about the audio books. There are some readers I can’t bear. In the USA there’s a producer of mostly unabridged books called “Recorded Books,” and they have a great male reader named Nelson Runger. I’ve listened to a few books he narrated (historical biographies mostly). And I enjoyed the British female reader of the Bridget Jones books.

I was thinking about the very issue of being “positive” the other day. I realized that some times it might sound like I’m a cheerleader and other times utterly morose. I do try to keep my attitude upbeat, though I’m a bit cynical by nature which I’m sure comes through too. I sometimes describe myself the way I explain the singer/songwriter Lloyd Cole, as “a cynic with hope.” I seem to get in these moods every couple of days, mostly when tired or perhaps lonely, when all I feel is how hard I’ve been working and how little progress I’m making. But realistically, it isn’t about totally giving up, and gaining back the pounds. It’s about wanting to reach a goal—I like closure—and wanting to feel really pleased about my appearance. I know I look much better than I did before, but I know I’m still a chubby middle-aged woman and getting this last 20-30 pounds off and toning up seems like it’s going to take forever. Oh, well, what to do but keep trying?

Thanks for checking in, Nienke! I’ll have to read your journal thread also!

Peace and joy,

Ann

Self-check: how are things going? Well, overall pretty good. I had a lot of fun the past two weekends. Saw people who either hadn’t seen me in a year or hadn’t seen me in 2-3 months. Both sets said I looked “great” but I asked my friend Jim to be really honest about whether he sees a difference in the shorter term. I feel pretty good about the feedback.

On the other hand, I know I ate relatively badly over both weekends. Ate out a lot. And it impeded my regular workout schedule. This week I’m back smoothly into routine on exercise, but my eating is a struggle. Yesterday my boss took me to lunch (belated birthday get-together.) I only had one slice of barbecue chicken pizza and a spinach salad, but I was trying to get the carb monkey off my back and that didn’t help. Today I felt famished all day. There were Dunkin Donuts ‘Munchkins’ in the office and I had three before I reined myself in. Then I made some Egg Beaters. By late morning I was still hungry, had 1/2 cup lowfat cottage cheese and three chicken nuggets. Then for lunch, a salad with hard boiled egg and avocado in it, and steamed veggies with a bit of lowfat jalapeno cheddar.  Mid-afternoon, three more bits of chicken. And some peanut M&M;’s, the 25¢ worth out of the gumball-machine-for-charity at work, but still. Tonight, half a box of garlic crackers. Yeesh. I’ll have go to back to not buying such things.

I’ve been too tired and last-minute to remember to weigh myself since I got back. Tomorrow morning I will. I’ve got my clothes in order, as tomorrow some of the big corporate bosses are in the office. I have no suits, as I haven’t bothered to buy any while I’m still trying to go down a size or two, but I have some dresses which will make me presentable.

Hey, I just weighed myself. 10:30 at night and I’m only up to 157 (from my ‘stuck’ point of 155 after a dip to 152 once) after all this piggishness. I guess I can just get on with it. Last week when I got back from my weekend I was up to 160 for two days, then back down. I think the carbs, which I really limit usually, make me retain fluids and bulk up in the short-term. The good news is my heart rate monitor told me I burned 585 calories tonight at the gym, and that’s even with it fritzing out and going to 00 HR from time to time. (I think I need to replace the battery.)

I feel pretty good. Bit tired, foot still a bit sore from those lunges but not too bad. Looking forward to the weekend, where I will get to do some outside walking, perhaps at the beach again.

Hey Ann!

Oh yeah .... your moods sound a lot like menopause with a combination of other things. It makes exercising and program so much more challenging!!!! 

The other thing is your usual ebb and flow. You also mentioned doing weights. THe body needs time to recover from that and it can get tired. When it gets tired the mood swings can appear. Just some observation from a passerby!!!!

You have done phenominal ....  And using weights will make your body shrink and the scale not move. Which you have discovered!

I go from being a cheerleader and having great days to not posting and wondering why I bother????  But I have to get beyond that. So please know you are not alone.

Cleda

nbbaron - 29 May 2008 05:56 AM

I go from being a cheerleader and having great days to not posting and wondering why I bother????  But I have to get beyond that. So please know you are not alone.

Thanks, Cleda! It does help to know that. My moods have been better, at least the sudden urge to cry hasn’t come around for a while. It may indeed have been due to fatigue as well as everything else.

I’m always glad to be reminded how far I’ve come. Today we had consultants in the office, and one hadn’t been here in about two years, just (I recall) as I was starting my initial dieting phase and had maybe lost a few pounds. She said she hardly recognized me.  We’ve been touch only by Email.

I think I’m just having an unusually strong PMS urge to eat. I’m not quite ready for the no emotional eating challenge this week, though at other times it’s not really a problem. As I add up the calories, I’m not really that off-track, just off-kilter.

I look forward to a good unwinding which is what I need after such a busy time at work and on the weekends.

Whew, what a week! I went from feeling quite happy and healthy last weekend to being felled by eithe food poisoning or flu, take your pick. In any case I was quite wiped out for most of this week, and instead of focusing on calories and heart rate, I had to drink lots of water and ginger ale to keep myself hydrated and just rest. Today felt fairly normal. I walked on the beach, and then spashed in the waves twice, with a brief session of lying on my towel listening to music. It was a beautiful day, hot and sunny. I had applied, then reapplied, the Target brand spray-on sport sunblock, SPF 50, and I was pretty sure I still overdid it and would be burnt a bit, but not at all. Still I feel tired from the salt-water and the sun, not to mention the exercise. (Standing in the waves is like a whirlpool for those tight leg muscles though.) I have moisturizer on everywhere, slathered stuff on my feet and put on white cotton socks, and put leave-in conditioner on my freshly-washed hair, to try to minimize the after-beach dryness.

In the middle of illness and everything else this week, my apartment’s air conditioner conked out, and it wasn’t fixed before I spent two very warm nights with the windows open. I’m not an A/C fanatic but it’s so humid. I was so glad it was fixed on Friday.

Got some DVD’s out to watch. I hadn’t used my TV in ages, but while I was sick I managed to make it through the Henry VIII miniseries with Ray Winstone and Helena Bonham Carter.