A very good friend of mine is constantly complaining about the state of his apartment.  He’s a neat-freak, and in the past he kept his apartment in near-pristine condition (well, as much as possible with two cats).  Since he moved in to his new apartment last July, though, life has continually gotten in the way in the form of out of town friends, time spent with his girlfriend, or last-minute overtime at work.  He’ll plan to clean his apartment, but *something* will come up to prevent him from doing it.  This, of course, doesn’t stop him from complaining about the state of his messy apartment, and how annoyed he is at it.

Having listened to Scott (and being a naturally organized person myself), I see lots of ways to fix the situation.  The problem is that he doesn’t want help.  He doesn’t want me to suggest he does things in a new way, because “that’s how he is,” and he doesn’t do things differently.

Has anyone faced a similar situation, where a friend or relative is doing something that causes them unhappiness, something you know you could help fix, but they don’t want your help?  How did you deal with it?

Thanks,
Julie

All the time, Julie. And it’s hard to watch someone do something that is basically hurting themselves and you can see what could help. The only thing you can do is talk about the way you do things, in a way that makes it not about them at all, and hope they gleam the wisdom of your words. Or give advice when asked, and bite your tongue when they don’t.

My mom says she’ll never complain about her weight to me again.  So there’s always that benefit in offering advice.

Bree

You cannot help someone who doesn’t want it, you can offer and leave it at that. As far as complaining goes I think you have to earn the right,if you do nothing about the situation you have no right to complain!

Bravo! I concur.

The hardest part of friendship is learning that you can’t just ‘fix’ situations for someone else.  Part of life is learning to deal with circumstances, and that help is available, but some people don’t want to ask for the help, and may even enjoy complaining about things.  Although Shawn does have a good point that the right to complain should be earned, most people will just keep right on complaining. 

My advice to you - (take or leave it, but since you did post with a question.....) Let it go.  Be a friend, listen to him vent, if asked, and only if asked, offer advice, and then don’t be offended if your suggestions aren’t taken.

I agree that you can’t help people that don’t want your help. BUT if, like me, you feel like you have to do something to help them, try to go with the subtle approach. My best friend had real financial problems last year, but you know what people are like with money. So for her birthday, instead of buying her a present, I gave her a little purse with money for a massage, telling her I didn’t want to book it because I didn’t want it to clash with her busy schedule. Whether she used the money for a massage or not then became her decision, but either way she was really happy with it and I felt like I helped in a small way.

So, maybe when it’s your friend’s birthday, you could ‘help’ him in the same way, by finding something that makes it easier for him, like a filing cabinet, or one of those shoe storage bins, or maybe a nice basket for old newpapers and magazines (my mum has one that’s a giraffe!). Or even a toy for his cats so they don’t climb in the curtains They’re not the best suggestions, but I’m sure you could come up with something. It’s not about helping directly, but for example if you give him a really nice bedside table, he might put it by his bed, arrange things, put his alarm clock on it, and then be inspired to tidy the rest of his bedroom! It’s all about that little nudge.

Sorry I rambled on, posting on this site is almost therapeutic for me