What I would like to talk to you about, and get some details on, is when loved ones inadvertently sabotage your healthier lifestyle. Here are a few examples of what I mean:

My wife also has a weight issue, god she is going to kill me for this, and deals with the same issues of poor diet choices & lack of exercise. At times she will come home, usually after a stressful day, with goodies (chocolate, cookies, etc...) that she knows will tempt me.We both have the same temptations when it comes to eating choices. She may call me up & say. “Hey you want to order a Pizza for dinner tonight or get Chinese” It doesn’t take much arm twisting to get me to cave in, something I hope to change. I know my wife loves me, supports me, wants me healthy and happy. We talk about that all the time. I can not blame her for weaknesses I have myself that I am now trying to deal with. I can’t, nor do I want to, change her so I have to change myself to become stronger even when she is not, how to do that I just don’t know.

For our 10 year anniversary my wife & I decided to go on a cruise this August, we asked some very close friends along. One of the things we hope to do is visit Mayan Ruins in Mexico. This excursion requires a lot of walk/hiking. One of the friends, a great friend of 26 years, asked if I was sure I could handle the activity involved to visit the ruins. When I told him that I plan to be in a lot better shape by then he told me, as politely as he could, he highly doubts that is going to happen. At fist I was hurt, then I was mad, but I do understand his skepticism. Him & I have been through a lot together over 26 years and during that time he has continually seen me struggle/battle with my weight issue, a battle I have always lost in the past. His comments had a negative impact on my psyche, an impact I must fight back & yet I can understand his doubts.

These are people I can not just cut loose in my life, there are an intricate part of my life and all though from time to time they present challenges my life is not whole with out them in it. I can not change them but I can change me I just have to learn how.

Frankus

Frankus

This is a common problem and Scott has done some MTM shows on just this issue.  People hate change and you are changing.  There may be an underlying fear that if you change, you will leave them.  I hope you can get your wife on board with the program, but if not, you will need to be very clear that you still love her, but need to do what is necessary to take care of yourself.  Maybe make a date with your wife to go for a walk.  You might go shopping and pick up some fresh fruit as a “treat” for desert instead of cookies.  You may also need to find some new friends who have the same health and fitness values - maybe in the gym.  Don’t abandon your old friends, but if they don’t support you, you may need some distance until you get stabilized in your new lifestyle. 

Best of luck and I hope you can stay strong until your loved ones realize that you are serious about your fitness goals. 

Paula

I just wanted to add one thing to my post above. Logically I know the choice is mine & mine alone when it come to leading a healthier lifestyle. Whether it be my wife or my friends no one is forcing me to make poor health decisions, those are my own demons to fight but the sabotage that I talk about in the above post attacks/breakdowns my emotional side which being the type of person I am is the stronger side.

Frankus

Frankus, my husband was doing the same thing last year and was almost encouraging bad food choices. He also seemed to try to stop me from exercising. I know it wasn’t on purpose, but I felt defeated. My family also has been doing a lot of sabotaging during my recent trip to see them. It worked, I gained around 5 pounds. But I’ll take it back off by the end of the month and it’ll be OK.

This year my hubby is joining me on journey. He saw that what I’m doing really works, and isn’t that hard. He’s even holding me accountable if I choose to have something I really shouldn’t. But between here and there was a long road. I finally asked him to stop having the crap in the house. If he really wanted it, he could have it out. He took the kids out for supper a few times, and realized it wasn’t worth the trouble because I’d stay home and eat alone. Luckily, we have different binge foods but I banned both.

My only advice is to tell her you need her support, and can’t do it without her. Ask her to eat the tempting food somewhere besides home, and if she must eat it there, go for a walk while she does. If you leave everytime she brings in certain foods, she’ll stop. I would. Good luck.

Wow, I’m sorry for your situation. It doesn’t sound very supportive at all. :(

I was in a relationship many years ago, and tried to go on a diet. (My only other attempt at a diet in my life.) The boyfriend at the time would always bring me chocolate bars. He’d literally unwrap them and hand them to me. It was harsh. Now I realize he did it because he didn’t want me to get thin, get better looking, and be more healthy and active. Is there any chance your wife doesn’t want these things for you?

I think that if you just hold up against the fast/fatty foods for awhile, she’ll get the point that you really want to be more healthy. Perhaps you guys could have a goal together to get ready for your trip. Nothing says “go on a diet” quite like pre-vacation bathing suit shopping!

Have you tried being open and honest with her? Perhaps you could tell her about the comment your friend made, and say it really bothers you how someone so close to you could not be supportive.

I really don’t know… But I hope you can push through this. I’m sure others will have better advice.

*hugs*

Meredith

I’m not sure I can add anything useful except my personal experience as well. My husband is a retired chef and does all the grocery shopping and cooking. One of the things he did before I started my diet was if I was having a bad day, he would bring me a milky way. We both thought of it as a way to show he cared about my bad day; as a chocolate hug I suppose. One thing you said was that after a stressful day your wife would bring home goodies; perhaps this is her thinking as well. I think most of us think of junk food as comforting.

I didn’t expect him to stop buying junk food, this was my diet, not his or the kids. He still bought cookies and ice cream; and if he forgot, my daughter-in-law would remember. But I alone was responsible for what passed my lips. I spent a lot of time practicing smiling, giving a real hug to let him know I understood what he was offering me, then saying, “No thanks,” and walking away. He understood I wasn’t rejecting him, just the junk food. I practiced saying no thanks in my mind a lot, so when I was confronted with the situation, it was the most comfortable and natural response.

Living in our little corner of the world, junk free, would be so much easier, but I don’t think that’s realistic. There will always be someone out there offering goodies. Scott’s comment on the 100 calorie packs comes to mind. He said if you’re going to eat the oreos, buy the big bag and learn how to eat just one. At the time I thought, yeah right, like that’s going to happen. But, as I’ve said before, Scott is (always) right! It’s a skill we just need to practice to learn.

Scott says this is simple, but he never said it was easy. Trust me Frank, if I can learn to do this, so can you! Learn how to give and accept comfort without calories. Show and tell your wife you love her, but remain firm about the bad foods, and she will understand it’s not a personal rejection. I’m sure she wants you to be as healthy as you do. You can do this! Just think of it like the piano, and practice, practice, practice!

My girlfriend comes home with chocolate and unhealty food. She hates my work out sessions. She is envyos of my progress. I have tried to tell her that the change is what I want, and I have invited her to follow me in my battle for a better life. But she lacks motivation and skips work out sessions after a couple of times. Then she is back where she started.

But I have ignored this, and have managed a weight loss on my own. My motivation is strong, so I work out whenever she is not around. And, pssst, I dont tell her. (Oh My God, he is lying to his girlfriend!) The Bible says that you shall not lie, but this is a healty lie that actually is good for you, and a lie that you will not pay thousands of dollars for after a visit in a courtroom. By lying it seems like I dont work out a lot, when the fact is that I’m doing great work outs five times a week. And the weight is just falling off my body.

Frank there is not much I can add. I just wanted you to know that I know it is so hard to make the changes we need. We are unlearning things we have been doing for decades. The others have all given great advice. I especially like Bree’s idea of asking your wife to eat these foods some place else. And Deb hit the nail on the head. Frank just keep pushing through one day at a time. You will be able to make your trip and enjoy it to the fullest. The fact that you want to make the changes for yourself is the most important part of the journey.  I know you can do it. Maybe try Tom’s method of visualization. If you practice visualizing turning down the junk food successfully, and then see yourself climbing the ruins it might make it easier to just so no!  I think when you lead your wife will follow the example you are giving when she sees how good you feel when using an alternative to having a stressful day.

Hi Frank,

My husband used to hate me going to the gym. He honestly believed people went there to have an affair! His attitude has certainly changed since he’s seen how much better I feel and so more energetic.

I hope things improve for you. You sound strong enough to keep going and I’m sure you will.

Here’s how you get you’re partner on you’re side:

* Tell him/her why it’s important for you to lose weight. You have to make you’re partner accept you’re process, even if you’re partner doesn’t understand why you are changing you’re life.
* Try to stop you’re partner from buying ice cream, chips and other fatty and sweet temptations. If that doesn’t work, hide them - atleast for yourself. Avoid places where you know the bad stuff is stored in you’re house.
* Don’t force your partner on you’re new food and exercise habits. Make the change as smooth as possible.
* Try to make you’re partner, family and social network to support you. This includes colleges, friends and new acquaintances at the gym.
* Talk to you’re partner about what kind of support you want.

Here’s one for you… my future step-son, Trey, is 9… and is trying to make healthy choices unbearable.

He comes here to visit Jerry, my boyfriend, on most weekends.  We’re leaning towards every other weekend because of the long distance driving involved.

Anyway, Trey is overweight and doesn’t want to do anything about it until he gets teased… and then he cries and begs for help.  He gained a lot of weight in one school year, most probably because his parents are going through divorce and that’s a coping mechinism for him.

When we try to help Trey to make healthy choices, he whines, pouts, and throws those passive/aggressive fits that everyone here has probably experienced at some point.  It’s gotten so bad, that we’ve decided to only go out to one restaurant over the course of the weekend, so that he doesn’t make it a terrible experience for all involved.

He actually called his mother at 6 in the morning on Sunday to complain that he was hungry, and that we weren’t feeding him.  He implied that if he went to get something from the kitchen, that it would be stealing food, and that we had told him as much.  Of course we didn’t!  That’s nutty!  We just don’t have all the sugary cereals, junk food, and sugary sodas that he wants to consume - all the time, all day, he’s always hungry or thirsty.  Usually when we pass a sign or a restaurant, or if he sees a commercial on TV.

We went to the gym yesterday around noon - but for breakfast, we had cheerios, skim milk, and fruit.  He wouldn’t eat the fruit - shocker - but we only offered him one bowl.  He didn’t ask for another, which was a bit of a relief… as we are trying to help him with what he said he wanted.

After the gym, where he swam and did the rock wall and played with other kids in the gym and on the obsticle course in the water, we went out to the Olive Garden for a late lunch.  This was when the proverbial poop hit the fan, as Trey’s mother sent a text message to Jerry telling him about the 6am phone call from Trey r/e lack of food.

Jerry was so upset!  He had been trying to help his son do what he had asked, and yet his son was telling lies of ommission to his mother DURING the course of a divorce.  Trey doesn’t understand how these little white lies can go in the court process.  He just wants, as Cartman of SOUTH PARK would say, his cheezy-poofs and snacky-cakes. 

Needless to say, lunch was ruined.  Trey pouted and made it well known that he was unhappy with his banging of this and slurping of that… because he knows it makes me sick to hear loud noises of people eating.  We didn’t make any attempt to stop him, as he won’t eat vegetables, so he ordered the Fetticini Alfredo from the kids menu.  When the man was putting on the parmassian cheese, he asked Trey to tell him when to stop.  He literally shred half of that small block of cheese that they have in those hand-held shreaders before Trey said “stop”. 

If we offer him salad, he only wants croutons or black olives.  I have to sneak any kind of vegetable into his foods, such as omletes and stir frys and juices.  I feel bad for doing it on one level, but he asked for help, and so on the other level I don’t feel so bad.

I agree with all of the points that paperboy put out above… they’re all valid and good ideas.  Communication, enviornment, support structure, and knowing yourself and your limitations.  All good things.  You can’t force your loved one to make changes, even if they have asked you for help.  Sometimes people buck against authority figures, even subconscieously. 

You’re wife is a grown, thinking, loving adult.  She will no doubt support you if you are able to express yourself, support whatever decisions she makes for herself, and find a way to support your way of thinking.  You’ve got a great support network here on MTM!  We’re all rooting for you!

As for the situation with Trey, I’ll leave that decision to his Father.  When asked my opinion, I said that Jerry and his Ex should figure out how they want to approach Trey’s eating, be consistant, and communicate with each other.  Obviously Trey wanted his mother to take him to eat something right away that wasn’t good for him.  She did cave in a little, bringing him roast beef and mashed potatoes with gravy to eat ON THE DRIVE HOME.  He had literally just eaten an hour before, but he asked her to bring him food on his phone call.

If Jerry wants to give him junk food, that’s fine with me.  I would just ask that he do it outside of the home and my eyesight, as I have a hard time resisting certain goodies (like chips and ice cream and cake).

I just hope that food isn’t the LOVE ME MORE token that is dangled in front of Trey’s eyes by his parents.  The real loser here is Trey… but it’s not for me to say.

What I can control?  Myself.. and I want some water with lemon in it before lunch!

Cheers,
~ Josette ~

Josette, you’re doing the right thing in not getting directly involved. You probably don’t need it, but Dr. Phil’s book Family First has a great chapter on blended families. You’re doing everything right, but I always like the back-up.

As for Trey, its very sad. There’s nothing you can do on the weekends that will make much impact for him except to model the proper behavior and make exercise seem perfectly natural and a lot of fun. He’ll remember the feeling when he’s with his mother during the week and that wonderful feeling may eventually lead to the change he knows he needs.

I’d also recommend not eating out at all with him. Not because of the food, but because of his attitude. Or at least refuse to go with them. Don’t make a big deal of it, when asked state your reasons calmly and leave it at that. There’s no reason to subject yourself to the humiliation that he brings. And its not being mean, its being responsible.

I hope this gets better for you.

Bree

Oh Josette,

This is such a hard road. And I’m speaking from experience, being a step-mum to 2 (now adult) plus my own 3 kids. I totally agree with Bree. Avoid going out for meals, cook at home. Put the food out, sit down and try to enjoy your meal. Don’t make a fuss about what he eats or doesn’t. Kids will never starve themselves.
And step-kids don’t have a monopoly on this behaviour, as every parent can testify!!!

Unfortunately there is so much happening for Trey emotionally, that food may be his comfort. I really feel for you and can tell you that things do tend to settle down. Be a good example, as I know you already are. Above all, stay calm and look after yourself. Don’t get caught up in a struggle that may really be a symptom of Trey’s issues with his parent’s divorce.

I’m keeping you in my thoughts

Bree and Fi, thanks for your replies, they were both supportive and informative.

I checked about that book that you recommended (Bree) and found a wealth of them out there.  So other people have experienced this family blending thing?  Go figure!  Thanks for the tip-in, it has lead to some more research that will guide me to some answers that can help in the long run

I agree with you both (Bree and Fi) about the eating at home thing.  Trey doesn’t understand the concept of money (he’s nine, after all), and it’s not only expensive to eat out, but causing grief and expanding waistlines. 

I’m going to try more of the healthy meals thing, and less of the stressing out about family blending.  If he doesn’t want to eat what we’re eating, there’s a bag of cheerios he’s welcome to eat.  The fact is, as long it’s tasty and he doesn’t have the knowledge that the food is good for him, he’ll probably eat it.  ;o)

And yes, Fi, I doubt he will starve himself LOL But it’s reassuring to hear that stepkids dont’ have the market on this kind of behavior.

Frankus, would love to hear how your situation is coming along… how’s things?

Cheers,
~ Josette ~

Hey, pass me an ore, I’m in the same boat.

My husband loves me and he can be very encouraging....however, sometimes he brings things that he knows I can’t resist into the house and then uses that “why can’t you control yourself?” line!  I’m gettting stronger and figuring out how a little bit won’t hurt me, but having a sabatoger in the house really doesn’t help much.

Hang in there for all that are paddeling along with me.
Viki

Hey Viki,

Yeah, I know EXACTLY what you mean.  You know what I have done in the past is to ask for the forbidden things (that I can’t resist) to be taken elsewhere to be stored, or kept in the car, or at work, etc… But that doesn’t work very well when it’s ice cream, eh?

And when you try to explain it, they just say why can’t you control yourself.. yikes.  Eating is a requirement for living.  It’s not like smoking cigarettes.  If someone was a smoker, and their loved one was trying to quit, it wouldn’t make sense for them to store the cigarettes in a place where they’d see them all the time… or smoke in their face, etc.  The smoker would stay away from bars, etc, and places where they would be tempted, maybe wear a patch, and most people are completely understanding of that struggle to save their life from future health woes.

But ask the same kind of support of someone that is trying to lose weight, and out comes the line - why can’t you just control yourself?  Here’s a good one - why can’t you just push away from the table?

I’m convinced that there are additives and addictive properties in most processed foods.  Try finding foods that haven’t been ultra-processed, and you’re hard pressed.  I’m constantly reading labels now, and it’s scary.  I’ve only found ONE pasta sauce that has ingredients that I can understand (tomatoes, sugar, etc) and NO CORN SYRUP, which is in everything.

Even artificial sweetners are desensifying, all of them.  Try this experiment if you wish, you’ll be shocked with the results.  If you’re a hard-core artificial sweetner person, stop using them for two weeks.  No diet soda, no sweetner in your tea, etc.  Don’t add sugar to it either, you need to go cold-turkey on sweetness.  Plain iced tea, plain coffee, flavored seltzer water (no sweetner, you have to read the label!)

After two weeks, go back and try a little of your favorite sweetner in a drink.  Maybe half a packet.  It will be way too sweet.  You’ll make a face-type-sweet.

I don’t know how we can convince those around us to support us through our vices.  If communication won’t work, then I guess it’s up to us to support each other.  You can always get in touch with your friends here at MTM, Viki, and Frankus, and the rest.  We’re here for you.

Cheers,
~ Josette ~