How do I want to feel? Beautiful. Inside and outside.
Beauty can be a state of mind, a vision to behold, a feeling of joy, a skip in your step. When you no longer feel beautiful it’s time to change your mind, your point of view, anything that is keeping you from loving yourself and everyone else that comes into your life.

Welcome to my head. It’s been cloudy up here for a long time but things are finally starting to clear up. I begin this journey to the me I want to be with an open mind and an open heart. I started my challenge 2 weeks ago and I already feel better than I have in a very long time. I no longer feel alone on this journey. I am surrounded by my new diverse family. I like it here, I really do.

My goals are very simple. I want to be healthy. I want to be happy. I want to have positive relationships. I want success. If I can think it, I can be it. Look out world! I’m getting my freak back on!

Emmi is getting her “freak back on"… that’s great!

Sounds like from another thread that part of your changes will include seeking a new job opportunity… please let us know how that progresses, as well as your diet and exercise regiment.

Go Emmi!

Isn’t it great how much your head can clear up by moving??? Brilliant!

Good for you, you know how you want to feel and look. The hard question is: how are you going to get there? Do you have a plan? What will you be doing when you reach that feeling? Live that life now, and one day you’ll wake up and challenge Scott to a swim suit competition (maybe you’re not quite that crazy). You definitely are in the right mindset to get there. I’m sure you do have a plan, I just like to know what it is.

Bree

Thanks you guys for your comments. I do have a plan but before I get into that I want to paste in what I wrote last night. Unfortunately I have to get some work done. If my boss found out he’s paying me to answer posts on MTM I may be in trouble and until I get an internet connection back up and running at home I can only post here or at the library so I’m going to write my journal and 100 days at night and stick them in here the next day. It’s going to be really hard to limit my daily visits.Please bear with me.

Written last night:

So what’s in my head?
I have so much more energy than I’ve felt in a long time. I don’t know why I got out of the habit of exercising in the first place. How did the lazies find me again? Who cares! I’m not there anymore. I’m absolutely buzzing. No I’m not ON anything. I really feel my body ALIVE. It’s such a great feeling. My workout tonight went very well. I feel so strong. I hardly slept the night before yet I felt like I could go on forever in the gym. I just can’t believe how much more energy I have. I wore a new gym outfit tonight, too. That’s always an extra boost.

I was in a small fender bender after work. A young girl’s car was smacked from behind and pushed into the back of my car. I was at a complete stop at the time. Everyone is ok. I felt so bad for the girl. She looked about 17. She was crying and shaking because she was so scared. It was her first accident. Thankfully everyone has insurance. I got a small dent from her license plate and paint rubbed off. No big deal, really. It will get fixed. No one was hurt and that is the important thing. All this happened when I was on my way to the gym. The Emmi from 3 weeks ago would have used the accident as an excuse to run to the bar. Not this Emmi. Not today. My girlfriend called me trying to coax me out because of the mishap. I thanked her and politely declined. I WANT to go to the gym. I want it more than anything. It’s funny how you get addicted to the exercise burn - the natural high. There is nothing else like it.  I like who I am becoming.

I will try sit down and write a game plan tonight. Really, I am just going with the flow and what is feeling goog and making me happy right now.

Keep those lazies away. Exercising is great for keeping you out of the bars. I am glad nobody was hurt in the accident.

Thanks Darlene. I appreciate your kind words.
I’m having a very hard time staying out of the forum today so that I can work. This is very addictive!

This is what’s in my head right now....
I want meat. I am craving meat like crazy! Especially fish. I baked some tilapia last night because it called to me. This morning I had a slice of Easter ham and an egg. For lunch I had leftover fish on my salad. Is this normal? Should I not have any meat with my dinner tonight? I want more meat!!!!

If you’re body is screaming for meat, eat the meat. It knows what it needs. And you’re making healthy meat choices. Though when I am craving beef, I eat the beef.

Bree

Cravings are wierd things.....they can be in your mind, but most of the time they are something you are missing in your diet.  A craving for protiens is normal.....and meat is one of the most concentrated ways to get that.  I would check to see if your getting your daily requirement for your wieght, activity etc. 

As more me.....i go with the cravings.......(and work out harder if I eat too much of a GOOD thing)....I’ve been trying to eat less red meat (no more than once a week, if that) and I find ways to get my protien from other sources.

Thank for the info, Bree and Tom. I ate more meat at dinner last night and stayed within my calorie budget. I’m wondering if the protein craving has to do with the extra weights I’ve been doing. I use to do only about 6 machines when I went to the gym before. Now I’m hitting 14 of them and doing about 4 sets. I keep the weight at a point that I can lift and feel the burn at around the third set. When that gets easier I add more weight. I don’t want to get bulky. I want to be toned. I want the wings at the back of my arms to disappear. The lat pull has been kicking my butt but I can feel it working. I’m very intimidated by the free weight area of my gym. All those cute guys and all those mirrors. I don’t know what to do while I’m there. Should I drool or grab a dumbbell.......

So what’s in my head today?
Last night when I was heading to the gym after work, my boyfriend calls me. He wants me to join him at the Eagles Lodge and wait for his friend and kick back a few, you know, 12 oz curls. We usually stop in there once a week to sign up for the weekly $4,000 drawing. I had missed signing up the week before and I am anxious to sign up this week. I won last year. If you’re not registered you don’t win. I was so focused on getting to the gym that I simply forgot about my chance for 4 grand. Thank goodness they didn’t call my number last week.

Anyways, I said no to him. I said no! He seemed a bit surprised but it was ok. I’m ok with this. I feel that we are slowly moving apart from each other and I’m ok with this. I want to be healthy and fit. He wants to party. As the weeks move on I’m finding that we just don’t share the same values anymore. Scott is right. If you and your S.O. don’t share the same values the relationship will be short term. I’m ok with this. I want a B.F. that wants to workout with me and hang out with me instead of his buddies at the bar EVERY SINGLE NIGHT OF THE WEEK. I want to find someone for the long haul. I’ve never married before. I’ve been waiting for the right one. I thought he was the one but I am only lying to myself if I still think he is. Pretty soon this will fizzle out on its own. I don’t call him in the evening anymore. I know where he is. I don’t want to hear the drunk voice or the excuses of why he is still there. I just don’t care! I’m ok with this. The only thing that will make this hard is the fact that we work together. He’s a service tech and I don’t see him in the office everyday but it will still be initially awkward when the split does happen. I’m ok with this. Better things are going to happen. Maybe I’ll finally get the nerve to talk to the hot guy at my gym. I don’t think he’s married. I AM OK WITH THIS!

Thanks for letting me vent but this has been laying very heavy on my mind for quite some time. It is what is keeping me awake at night and sleepy during the day. That, and the awful women I have to work with. I was writing about this in the “Why am I so sleepy?” thread but I really want to address this in my journal. It really deserves to be here. I appreciate everyone’s input and advice over there. I have learned a lot about myself the last few days and I am starting to feel a sense relief. I want to find a new job. I have been looking for a long time now. I have a great portfolio and have gone on several interviews and second interviews but the companies end up going with the entry-level applicants. It’s very fustrating that no one wants to pay me what I am worth. And the ladies here are terrible. The secretary plays video games all day long and ignores the phone making me stop my work to answer. The other lady is just perpetually angry and nasty to everyone. She just had a mild stroke and she has mellowed out but I am waiting for the inevitable erruption. They are both over 60. I am surrounded by alot of negativity. I have made my work area more pleasing. I am not in a cubicle. I have a nice view of the outside and I have several pictures of family and friends around me. My plant died not to long ago. I need a new one. This used to be a smoking office and thankfully the landlord put a stop to that. I am very thankful of that. I smelled like I left the nightclub every day. So, in the meantime I am trying to change my attitude and deal with things as they are. I am thankful that I have a job. I have a mortgage to pay and a car and etc… It is what it is. Things will get better. I just have to change my mind. Thanks for lending me your ears. Talk to all you cats later.

Wow… I am glad you shared that info with us, Emmi.

First of all… I am sorry to hear about your boyfriend and you growing apart. However, I can understand why it is happening. Actually, if he were my significant other, I would be really concerned about not only his maturity level, but the drain that partying every night of the week has on your health, pocketbook, and performance at work. It sounds like it could lead to problems later on… especially if you ever have children.

As far as the job search goes, everything I have seen indicates there is a correlation between the average amount of time to find a new job and the amount of money you will be making (something like one month per $10,000 of annual earnings). Some places will always opt for the cheapest candidates but eventually you’ll find an employer that is willing to pay the premium based on your talent and experience level. Remember, for all the “no’s” you get, you are that much closer to the “yes”!!

Ugh… a smoking office… I couldn’t even imagine working in that environment!

Dare you to talk to the guy. Find a weight lifting question and ask him. He’ll help you and you’ll get an in. I also steer clear of the free weights. The machines do great for me right now. You have an amazing attitude. That will carry you through this.

As for the office, I find negative people can’t stand it if you are drippingly sweet to them. Obnoxiously so, it’ll make them nauseas and they will avoid you. And if you’re overly nice you can get away with side comments on laziness on the job and that you’re just happy you can help them not get fired. What would happen if you didn’t answer the phone? If she knows someone else will, why should she bother? Be sweet and direct, then have fun watching the looks on their faces.

Bree

Emmi, reading your journal I can see you are crossing the line between one world and another. Don’t let anyone pull you back to the old world, don’t let anyone steal your dreams, If you can dream it you can do it.

I have faced similar situations, I used to hang out with the “Cigar Aficionado Club”, they meet once a week, smoke cigars and drink Rum, lot´s of rum, and eat all kinds of junk.  I enjoy their company but I do not like what their habits do to my health so I decided to stop going to the meetings, instead, I have looked for new friends, people that want to work out, people that want to eat healthy, people that want to live life to the fullest, people that want to feel alive on a good way.  Now I hang out with the Hashers that run once a week (minus the beer), I hang out with the mountain bike club etc. In their company I will go in the direction that I WANT.  Hey, I still enjoy a Cigar every other month, and a Rum every once in a while, but I enjoy more working out.

In Spanish we have a saying, “dime con quien andas y te dire quien eres” TRANSLATION: Tell me who you hang out with and I will tell you who you are.

Find the right people to hang out with, and if you can, save some people from the other side and bring them along. 

As for your B.F., that is easy, either he goes your way, or the highway.  You have heard the song “My way or the highway”.  (Limp Bizkit) YOU DO NOT GO HIS WAY. NO WAY.

As for the cute guys in the gym, you don’t have to approach them, keep focused, working out, eating right and they will find the way to you.  Use the power of attraction, but be careful, you may get more cute guys than you bargained for.

Remember what Scott says, YOU ARE THE BOOS OF YOU.  If you already know what you want, GO GET IT.  You can also read it in the bible “Ask and It shall be given”

Emmi,
Truly inspiring stuff you have written here!!  I wish you all the best in your dreams!  Looks like you are well on your way to the road of sweet success!!  As Zig Ziglar says, “ I will see you at The TOP!!!!” You go girl!!  Thanks for the inspiration as well.  Keep us posted on your many adventures, I can’t wait to hear more.

Emmi, reading your journal I can see you are crossing the line between one world and another.

Boy isn’t that the truth.  You guys all make some very valid points. I think that it is so great that I can share some of my personal aspects of daily life and get such excellent feedback. It really helps to look at my life from different perspectives. Thank you all so much. You do not know just how badly I needed an outlet for everything that has been going through my “thing between my ears.”

You’re daring me, Bree? I thought you had another challenge to focus on!  Seriously, I will talk to him when I am ready. I already thought about asking him a weight question but that seems so obvious. Besides, I have some old baggage to get rid of first before I start collecting new. I also find it hard to approach people when they have their ear buds in. I almost always have mine in. I feel naked without them. They are kind of like my security blanket. Does anyone else feel this way?

So what’s in my head today?

I had to sit down this week and figure out my Simple IRA. I have no idea what funds to choose. High risk? High yield? HUH? I’m trying to decide about my future and I don’t have a clue. I don’t want to make a poor choice. Retirement is not something I think about everyday. That’s so far away.... or is it? I’m 38. It’s getting closer and I’m getting older. I’m still on my own so I have to make sure that I can take care of myself in my Golden Years. You know, I really thought I would be married at this point of my life and that I wouldn’t have to worry about this kind of stuff. (I know with divorce rates and such it’s smart for everyone to have a plan. That was a comment straight the 1950’s. Sue me.) It’s funny how life keeps throwing you curve balls.

Anyways, I took my application packet to dinner with me last night. My whole family met at this restaraunt. My second oldest sister was heading back to CA and we were having a send-off dinner for her. I wanted to ask my oldest sister about my packet because she works for a bank. There were 17 of us there and there were some missing members. It was hard to focus with all of the commotion and our waitress was totally freaking out. This restaraunt was a homestyle/Amercana/burger/sandwich/soup type of joint. I ordered a cup of mushroom corn chowder and a grilled chicken breast salad with light italian dressing-hold the cheese, please. I shared my soup with my mom because it was so rich and I only ate half that huge salad. I did well with my food and had one beer and one water with my meal. Finally I got to go over the info with my sister and she helped me pick out a couple funds to invest in. I sure hope she’s right cuz when I go she gets everything! HA It’s so weird having to think about this retirement stuff. I probably won’t ever stop working. I sure hope I never stop moving, either.

Emmi… as far as investing retirement funds, I would recommend checking to see if you have mutual funds available to invest in that are called “Lifestyle Funds”.

Basically, a lifestyle fund is a mix of investments that reflect a typical level of investment risk based on your age (more risky if you are younger, mix of investments progressively becomes less risky as you get older). I am very close to your age, and almost all of my investments are in a fund called “Advanced Outlook 2040"… with 2040 being the expected year I will retire. This is a perfect type of mutual fund for people like yourself who wants to stash money away for retirement without having to think about the best way to invest it. Just a suggestion.

I double dare you to talk to that guy, Emmi!!