Hello 2008 Journal (and MTM land),

I’m sorry I haven’t visited you quite so often as I should
And that I ate anything and everything that didn’t taste like wood

Stress eating is a crutch that I know too well
I was on the health wagon, and boom! Yep, I fell

My pants they got tighter, my shirts - they did too
I had to go up a size (boo-hoo!)

But luckily I didn’t toss them all away
(I guess I was subconsciously anticipating this day)

My closet is bulging, with many a different size
My pride is wounded, my private demise

A child even asked if I was expecting the stork!
(No sweetheart, she did that with a knife and fork)

But I am not grounded, just following old patterns
and once upon a time, they served me well
It’s time to get moving, clean out my mind caverns
and fill them with something besides sight and smell

A sixty-pound loss seemed so small at the time
when I thought of the weight that I had left to lose
But it’s not about when - or how much - but why (nope, no rhyme)
And that every outcome I experience is the one that I choose

I’m moving…
I’m 305.4 pounds… dang it!
And I choose to stand up, take a step, and repeat…
And I will reach my destination…

Not worried about when… or how… but why I want this to happen…

What I want
Why I want it
Who I want it for (me!)

Let’s see what’s around the bend. There’s a pair of pants that I fit a year ago that are too tight now… and now, that’s my goal.

Till then - thank goodness for SPANX!!!

Have a good one!

Ok, I’m here to report.
I got my exercise in.
I ate reasonably today.
I am going to brush my teeth and head up to bed to ward off any evening munchies.
The “I deserve to eat” thoughts that go through my head.

I have not conquered the 12 hour diet yet. I have a crazy work schedule on 4 days of the week .... and I am trying to master any kind of normal eating on those days.  I do have to concentrate on not eating a ton when I get home at 11 p.m.  Something light should do the trick.

Can I do this without dieing???? 
Small baby steps.

Will check in tomorrow.
Cleda

I seem to be basically journalling all over my 100 days thread, exercise, diet, whether I’ve flossed, etc. Maybe that’s because sometimes when I post I’ve just finished exercise, and I’m all hopped up on adrenaline. Who knows?

So, a basic check-in with me-starring-me: I started deciding I wanted to make changes in my life in July 2006. I didn’t start dieting, or counting calories properly, until late August. I took up exercising on New Year’s Eve 2006 by walking a treadmill in my apartment complex’s little fitness room. Told myself if I stuck it out for a month, I’d buy myself an iPod Shuffle, which I did and which has made walking, both outdoors and in, so much more enjoyable.

I didn’t own a scale so I was guesstimating my weight loss. In May 2007 I made a doctor’s appointment for a thorough checkup. Turns out I was in the ballpartk about how much weight I’d lost (at that point 55 pounds) but had been so in denial about how much I weighed to start with. I had thought about 200 pounds, but in Jan 06 at my previous appointment I weighed 230. Yikes!

This morning I was at 157.2. I was stuck at 170 for a long time last year, and then hovering at or above 160 for the past month and a half or so, but all this week I was only above 160 on the scale once, in the evening, and I tend to trend my morning weight. I’m so pleased to be under that mark consistently. It’s a struggle every day though. I was tempted yesterday to stop off for a bagel on the way to work. I was in the left turning lane, then changed my mind. 

My goal is 135 pounds. At this point it’s a slow inch-forward, but I feel good. Little sore here and there, kinda between sizes right now as I hope to lose more weight before I buy a lot of new things.

I don’t watch the Super Bowl, so I intend to do what I did last year, which is get on the treadmill during much of the broadcast, as there will be no one else around in there. I just don’t care about football. I hope for good ratings, as I am the research director for two TV stations, one of which is airing the game. But I’d rather be moving myself forward!

But here’s the good news (before was yummy news), I’ll be wearing a pair of pants that I bought 2 years ago for the same party that were too tight on me then. I have since quit smoking and gained 30 pounds in the process (lots of chocolate). Now I’m less than that by 10 pounds and the pants fit great! So I’ll be wearing my motivation. It also doesn’t help that most of those people haven’t seen me since I was at my biggest. So I’ll get all those wonderful compliments. That always motivates me.

On Sunday I was feeling down.  Maybe it was the situation.  Maybe it was just physiologic.  Regardless, I “let” myself have a binge.  Granted this was a dieter’s binge.  I grabbed seemingly all the carbs I had in my apartment.  Handfuls of Barbara’s Cinamon Puffins Cereal.  Two 100 calorie packages of Keebler Grasshopper Cookies, two Weight Watchers Giant Cookies and Creme Bars.  After downing 500 calories I hadn’t planned on, I fell asleep at 3:00 pm.  When I awoke at 6 I was still cranky.  But I thought to myself “A binge and then a walk is still better than just a binge, right?” I picked up my sorry behind, and I got moving.  I walked out 20 minutes, then turned to come home.  But instead of coming straight home, I took extra blocks, zig zagging my way back until by the time I returned one hour of steady, intense walking had passed.  Way to go!  I came home, had a sensible dinner that I planned carefully, and went to bed that night with the satisfaction that I turned a bad situation on its head.  To boot, my scale reached a new low the next morning.

Last night I pushed myself to take a walk.  I was planning a dinner out with my sister and brother, as well as both of their significant others.  I knew that without a walk I would be eating up to maintenance calories.  So I took my same route from Sunday.  However, as I got to the far end, I started to feel dizzy.  Having had symptoms of hypoglycemia (low blood sugar, which for me causes dizziness and other symptoms) many times before I knew I had to make it back home as soon as possible in order to get myself something to eat.  After a harrowing experience struggling home, I ate an apple, some walnuts and some cereal to get my blood sugar back up to par. 

Out at dinner that night I thought hard about the best choice on the menu.  The chicken came with mashed potatoes I was bound to enjoy too much of.  I had a salad for lunch.  I settled on the tilapia and asked for them to go light on the butter.  I nibbled my way through some of my sister’s Caprese salad, some of her Bacon and Potato pizza, as well as all my tilapia.  Luckily I didn’t even enjoy the Risoto on the side of my fish, so I was pretty well home free.  I figured that even with the butter on my fish, I couldn’t have consumed more than 400 calories.  Not bad considering I was out to eat at an italian restaurant without nutrition facts!

Humming the Motivation to Move theme song in the shower this morning, I decided that today was the day.  If at any point in my long journey I needed extra kick, it was now.  I’ve dropped over 45 pounds.  My weight loss has taken me well over two years so far, but I haven’t ever gained back any weight.  I’ve learned to eat in moderation, to choose my battles and to lower my cholesterol. 

But now to lose one pound is harder than ascending 1000 verticle feet in ski boots at 14,000 feet with my skis over my shoulder and the wind in my face!  (I should know, I live in Colorado and am an avid skier).  In order to lose weight at this point, every day is carefully planned, with very little room for extras.  This is hard, but maintainable if I get my exercise every day and never go out to eat.  However, I don’t live in a bubble and I am faced with challenges every day.  Some days I feel too tired to work out.  Some days there is no avoiding going out to eat.  Some days my blood sugar drops and I take in an extra 250 calories I hadn’t planned on.  Some days I am just plain blue.  Listening to the podcast is helping me tremendously through these rough patches.  I am discovering new strength deep within I never knew existed.

Gone are the days I could go out to eat regularly, drink copiously, have ice cream every night and still lose weight.  But the battle is worth it.  I am waging war for my health, for my fitness level, for my own satisfaction and to know that I can be the best physically I can be.

I hope to be welcomed with open arms, and I am looking forward to replying to anyone with questions, as well as adding more of my story later on.

Laura

I had an Ah Ha moment today - It was a realization that the laws of attraction really work. 

I rent half of a duplex in Lafayette California.  I’ve really been grateful to live in a place that is convenient, light, and essentially perfect for me.  Last December I was told that the property was for sale.  There was no way I could afford to buy the property (real estate prices are out of sight here), so what do do?  Of course I went through the spin cycle - what’s going to happen, where do I go - AAK!!  I could be difficult, make it hard to show the property, but what would that accomplish.  Probably more stress for me, certainly more stress for B_. 

My choice was to help my land lady show and sell the property to a new owner who would continue to rent to me.  It was inconvenient at times to have people walking through, but I was also selling myself as a tenant so why not.  I cleaned and kept the place looking great, stayed positive, grateful for the view, my orchid corner and the time I had here.  The real estate agent was amazed and said he never had as much cooperation from a tenant in a sale before.  Today, I got the news, I have a new landlady - the property was sold and I will be able to stay.  Was the outcome influenced by my attitude - I think it was.  The laws of attraction, gratitude, positive attitude, and getting what you give at work. 

B_ gave me a gift card for the Gratitude Cafe - yes there really is such a place, in Berkeley California - as a thank you for helping her with the sale.  How fitting. 

Here is a picture of my living room and orchid corner.  Home

Here’s what bothers me every day and what often keeps me from moving:

I’m dependent. Here’s why: My boyfriend and I live an apartment an hour’s walk from the city centre, in quite a bad neighbourhood. I don’t have a car and there’s no public transport. I used to ride a bicycle but I got hit by a car 6 weeks ago and am scared now, so walking is my only option. The problem is that I won’t leave the house by myself unless I have class or an appointment. As soon as it’s dark it gets even worse. I just can’t bring myself to go out that door, and it really affects my life.

I’m trying to find ways to get around this, but none of my friends live anywhere near me. I’d love to go running in the mornings, but I need something or someone to push me. I listen to the MTM podcast every night and I know I need to take responsibility for myself and just do it. So on Tuesday I got up, took a step and went to my dance class, something I hadn’t done in weeks. Now I just need to keep it up - that’s the “Repeat” part. So far, it’s been “stand up, take a step, fall down”, but I’m really determined to stay standing now.

So my goals are:
- go running one morning a week
- go swimming one morning a week
- get back on my bicycle

That last one might have to be a longer term one though.

Sunday, the designated day of rest. I’m going to use this day to reflect on the past week and how I feel. The highs of the week have been that I finally took my driving test, and almost passed it. Also, I got a job interview. Excellent.

On the health front however, I don’t think it has been so great. I really notice the difference in how I feel when I go back to my old eating and exercise habits. I feel icky, and somewhat dehydrated. I feel like I could drink five liters of water in one sitting. I’ve felt like that all week.

I can start drinking water today, and tomorrow, I’ll ask to go to the gym in the morning. I’ll have a breakfast of something other than two bacon egg and cheese burritos. I can take some of the frozen fruit in the refrigerator and mix it into my plain oatmeal. That way I can get the fruit without all the sugar that Quaker Oats adds to their oatmeal. Sometimes, I eat food on automatic pilot. I usually eat my worst stuff late at night. I have those sodas with the refined sugar, the ham and cheese sandwiches. And then, after staying up until 3 AM, I’ll fall asleep until noon the next day. I’m not getting enough sleep, and I’m not eating right. I have to decide to change my habits.

Tonight, I will eat dinner before 7:30, Turn off my television at 8 and read my book, learn some portuguese while I’m getting ready for bed. Then I’ll be in bed by ten. I won’t turn on the television no matter what. Then, I’ll repeat the same thing tomorrow.

I can’t wait to get my driver’s license. Then I can go to the gym earlier. I really enjoy starting my day with exercise. It gives me energy for the day, and I’m not intimidated by all the muscle bound football players who hog the free weights in the afternoon. It’s a real blessing that my college has a great gym too. With a license, I will have more self esteem, and a new sense of freedom. If anybody reads this, keep me in your thoughts and prayers on Tueday.

Goal for this week: Go to the gym consistently for five days and walk on the treadmill or track for at least 30 minutes.

/Karyn